Biggest Threat to US, Lack of Blog Readers

Seriously, who doesn't have a blog?

...that's about all I have. I mean, who reads this crap? We can all formulate our own badly worded opinions. Fuck all that. It's a bunch of Jerry Seinfeld "have you ever noticed..." kind of faggot crap. And that's not meant to be offensive to the faggots. They've got their own thing going own, good for them. Meanwhile everyone's all like "what's the deal with this?" No. Go back to 1995.

Basterds

Oh Fuck, Ants!

Researchers have found that a single colony Argentine ants has colonized most of the world. This mega colony is possibly the largest of its type for known insect species, and may rival humans in terms of world domination.

Previously it was believed that Argentine ants belonged to localized colonies, however research shows that ants of specific colonies are actually inter-related and will get along with each other. Ants are typically very territorial, which leads scientists to believe that these ants are actually part of the same mega colony. "The enormous extent of this population is paralleled only by human society," one of the researchers stated.

Alright, we're fucked.

Maybe I was exaggerating with every other apocalyptic prediction, but this one has us bend over the fucking coffee table! Ants are fucking ruthless and, even better, they've already rivaled humans in terms of conquering the world. It's over. We're fucking done, people.

Have you ever done battle against an angry swarm of ants? They don't relent. One after another after another, trying to crawl all over you and bite you with their tiny mandibles. You can spray them with Raid, sure... but there's only so much Raid in the world and there's fucking billions of ants. And they're tricky little bastards too.

I had a personal experience with those arthropod fucks where they tried to annex my apartment. After months of fighting, when it seemed like I had wrenched control of the apartment out of their pincers, they struck me where I didn't expect it, my car! I was driving down the road when suddenly I noticed that dozens of ants had emerged from the dashboard and were crawling all over me. I took my attention from driving to swat at them in futility. As I did this, my car careened off the road and slammed into a shiny propane tank that then erupted into a massive fireball.

I won't talk your ear off about how I survived such a situation after three skin grafts and a two week coma, because what's important here is the ants. They're aggressive, unyielding, burrowing, biting little shits, and if we don't stop them now, where will it end? America? Earth? The Solar System? The Milky Way? Where will we finally make our stand?

So I say to you, humanity, fight back! Smash every anthill you see. Rivaling human domination of the planet? Fuck those sneaky little douche bags. We'll show them just how destructive humans can be when we put our minds to it... or don't... we're pretty destructive anyway.

Let's Grow Up

You know, I've had a lot of time to reflect on the world and I've decided that everything isn't out to get us. How many times has humanity thought that existence was about to begin its final act? Whether it be some sort of natural event, a religious end of days, aliens, disease, zombies,... religion again, its just not that likely to occur. It would take a catastrophe of enormous magnitude to wipe us all out.

So as much as I might have gotten on here and said "this is going to kill us" or "this is the new threat," such ravings are just silly. Birds aren't going to peck our eyes out. Pigs aren't going to overthrow our government. Robots... well robots may kill us all someday, who knows, but it's not going to be in the foreseeable future.

Maybe this is a real turning point for me. Instead of worrying about ridiculous things that I cannot control, maybe I should be worried more about my life and the lives of those around me. Because in the end, there's randomness and then there's your will. And now, I think my will to exist is stronger than my belief in nonsense conspiracy/apocalyptic theories.

So thanks for reading.

Holy Shit! Peter Weller Survives Horror Movie!

Let me start by saying that on 7/16, Comcast's on-screen guide listed Cinemax as playing Leviathan(2009) starring Kathleen LaGue and Doug Swander. It's a horror movie about a genetically engineered eel that terrorizes college students in the Florida Everglades. I tuned in expected to see drunken teenagers being chewed on by a mutant eel, but ended up with an entirely different animal altogether.

As usual, the people writing the on-screen listing for Comcast couldn't spend the time to double check their information (imdb is just too fucking long, three letters or less for urls people!). Leviathan is a horror movie from 1989 starring Peter Weller and Richard Crenna, granted it involves a deep-sea eel-like creature, and does not include Kathleen LaGue or Doug Swander. LaGue and Swander only worked together once on a movie in 2007 called Razortooth that's about, oh shit! college students attacked by an eel in Florida. So way to fuck up, on-screen listing guy.

So anyway, I decided on watching Peter Weller fighting off a sea creature for an hour and a half.

Ever watched Alien and thought, "Wow, this movie would be awesome if they just remade it," ? Well then you're fucking retarded. They've already done it a thousand times. Leviathan is a remake of Alien, and more blatant than usual. It follows a crew of underwater miners who find a scuttled Russian boat, the Leviathan, and bring back this constantly mutating monster with them. The "unique" thing about the movie is that the monster is ripped straight from John Carpenter's The Thing and inserted into a deep sea version of Alien. Done! I just described the whole fucking movie. The version you put together in your head is probably better than the actual movie.

I'm not saying Leviathan is a bad movie, its just fails to make any significant improvement on the movies its imitating. The movie has a surprisingly solid cast. Peter Weller is the captain, burdened with responsibilities. Richard Crenna is the veteran doctor. Ernie Hudson is the black guy. Hector Elizondo is... Hector Elizondo. And Daniel Stern is the miner who first wanders into the Russian boat, and is of course the first to die. There are some other people in the movie too: woman who dies, woman who survives (probably because she follows Sigourney Weaver's example and takes off her pants near the end of the movie), other guy who dies... you get the idea, there're people in it.

The most startling thing about this movie is that Peter Weller, the man who defined being ventilated by a shotgun in the opening of Robocop, actually fucking survives. Good for him. You know, the guy has been through his share of shit. He got turned into a cyborg in Robocop, fought of swarms of tiny robots in Screamers, and in Buckaroo Banzai... well I don't quite know what the fuck was going on in that one. The guy even hosts documentaries because he's a professor of Greek and Roman something or another. So I'm glad that Peter Weller got to survive a shitty knock off of Alien.

Don't worry Ernie Hudson, someday you'll survive too. Haha! I'm sorry, I couldn't keep serious while typing that.

Twitter Followers For Sale Drives Me to Madness

Australian marketing company uSocial now offers a paid service that finds followers for an individuals' Twitter feed. USocial features followers in blocks of anywhere between 1,000 and 100,000 users. The service does not pay followers, but simply finds potential followers by searching Twitter and finding what individual users are interested in. It then categorizes users and sends them messages about users that they might be interested in following.

Twitter started as a way for friends to update each other about their activities and status. Recently, as Twitter has grown in users and popularity, businesses and marketers have been targeting Twitter as a potential marketing medium. Many companies are building up as many followers as possible in hopes of monetizing them in the future. Despite Twitter becoming the newest channel for viral marketing, it appears that people have yet to start leaving it for the next big thing.

This definitively proves that there is no god. If there were a god, he would look down at his creation right now and say, "What the holy fuck is this gay shit about? Where did I go wrong?" and then BAM! Rapture time. But seeing as the faithful inbred-mutants from America's heartland haven't started disappearing, I'm sticking with the whole "god is dead" thing.

At first, it amazed me that a social networking site that inundates one with retarded updates from ones' retarded internet contacts could ever be seen as anything other than an annoyance. Now, I just don't know what to fucking say about it. Twitter is popular--this blog... not so much. Maybe I should go pay to have people follow my every fucking word. Perhaps I could then spread my poorly thought-out anger over upcoming apocalyptic events, movies, and other crap that I write about.

I feel this sort of disgust with new trends and the status-quo is what leads one to become a Blofeldian super-villain. Maybe in several years I'll be creating an intricate plan to destroy all social networking sites using a satellite-based laser beam, maniacal laughter, and a seemingly unstoppable sidekick portrayed by a foreign actor who nobody has ever heard of. Oh fuck!... maybe I could use Twitter to recruit an army of inept henchmen. This shit just gets better all the time!

Iraqi Karate Coach Shot by Insurgents, Star Pupil Plans Vengeance at Insurgent Karate Tournament

Iraqi Olympic karate coach Izzat Abdullah was shot dead by gunmen this Friday in the city of Mosul. While it is not known exactly why Abdullah was targeted, insurgents regularly targeted athletes and trainers during the height of the Iraqi insurgency. Mr Abdullah, 45, was a former karate champion who moved from Baghdad to Mosul after the fall of Saddam Hussein's regime in 2003.

Meanwhile, Abdullah's best student, known only by his nickname The Kid, is training harder than ever to avenge his master's murder at the Insurgent Karate Tournament later next month. Reports indicate that Mr Abdullah was like a father to The Kid, and that he has taken the shooting harder than anyone else. "He stayed alone in his dojo all weekend," said The Kid's on-again-off-again girlfriend, "Then after dinner last night, he went out into the rain, dropped to his knees, and cried out about how he will avenge his master's honor. I thought it was kind of gay."

According to another of Abdullah's students, The Kid has started an intense training regime so that he's in peak shape at the Tournament. "He keeps running around shadow-boxing, chopping lumber, digging ditches... all while listening to 80's music: mostly Kenny Loggins, but I heard some Phil Collins a few times."

Reports show that The Kid is an orphan of the first Gulf War, who's parents were adamantly anti-Hussein and subsequently murdered by Bathist fanatics. After shining shoes for coins on the mean streets of Baghdad, The Kid got himself mixed up with a street gang during his teen years. As part of the gang, The Kid had to burglarize a random house. The house he attempted to break into belonged to Mr Abdullah, who caught him in the act and forced The Kid to do chores for him instead of turning him into the police. Eventually a bond was formed between the two, and The Kid became Abdullah's finest student.

All eyes are now on the Karate Tournament, which promises to be a spectacular event. Rumors have it that the final match will likely involve The Kid going one-on-one against an overly 'roided Joe Piscopo while featuring music by Tangerine Dream. Only time will tell if The Kid can succeed, sell out, and then quickly fall into obscurity.

Robotic Garbageman Steals Jobs from Social Outcasts

Italy has unveiled the worlds' first trash collection robot, called Dustbot. The robot can be summoned to an address through a mobile any time of day. It finds its way through streets using GPS and a sophisticated gyroscope to keep it upright on just two wheels. Dustbot has many other sensors so that it does not collide with anything. Dustbot's inventor hopes to put an end to fixed times for garbage collection. The prototype currently operates in Tuscany.

Robots hauling off our garbage, it makes sense when you think about it. People don’t want to deal with disposing of all the goddamn garbage they make, so why not have robots do it? It’s only our garbage, right? Well you could be dead wrong. Do we really know where the fucking they’re taking our refuse? There’s no guarantee that it’s not all being hauled off and used to build the terrifying robotic war machines that will soon be striding through our streets, picking us off with their fucking heat rays and robotic tentacle arms.

First of all, do we really need to create a world where robots are now competition for menial labor? We’ve already got a bunch fucking brain dead hillbillies complaining about immigrants taking their jobs, if you add robots into the equation you’re just asking for cataclysmic battle between man and machine. And seriously, if we let robots take jobs from the goddamn local mutants we call trash-men, who eye middle school girls on the way home from school, then what are they going to spend all their free time doing? With all fucking seriousness, I don’t want to know. So I say we put a fucking moratorium on the idea of a robotic trashman, butler, ditch digger, cesspool cleaner, mailman, or Pizza Hut employee, because at least we know what those fucking freaks are doing for most of the day.

The other problem, we’re allowing robots to freely roam our streets. It seems convenient that you can call a service to have them dispatch a robot trashcan to you. In fact, that’s great. We’ll all get used to having these washing-machine looking fucks rolling around. That way nobody will question their appearance when they start showing up at our homes on their own and cramming our shattered bodies into their trash compartment for disposal. Of course, the damn thing looks so fucking goofy that nobody would ever expect that they’re methodically taking us out one family at a time.

In my opinion, trash disposal isn’t worth risking a potential robot holocaust (as illustrated in the 1986 documentary Robot Holocaust, now available on Comcast OnDemand). We should let the dregs of our society handle our garbage, like god intended them to, that way we keep the fucking crazies busy sifting through our shit and as far away from us as fucking possible. In the end, if it comes down to robots or humans, you just have to side with the humans, no matter how ugly, disgusting, perverted, mentally deficient or noxious they might happen to be. It’s like Eisenhower always said: “better dead than a damn dirty fucking robot.”

Sri Lankan Rebels Defeated, American's Learn of Existence of Sri Lanka

Sri Lankan president Mahinda Rajapakse has announced a military victory over the rebel faction known as the Tamil Tigers or the LTTE. The Tamil Tigers have been waging a violent war of independence against Sri Lanka for the last 26 years and have been accused of a number of atrocities such as ethnic cleansing and assassination. Sri Lanka’s army made a major breakthrough on Saturday, May 16th, by capturing the last remaining part of the coastline still held by the Tigers. The army reports that the Tigers have set fire to their last stockpiles of ammunition; however there has been no independent confirmation of this action. It is estimated that more than 80,000 people have died during the conflict.

Wow, a 26 year long war. That’s one for the history books. Oh wait! Nobody fucking knows where Sri Lanka is, and they certainly didn’t know that there was a fucking civil war going on. Here’s the other problem, they probably don’t fucking care!

Sri Lanka doesn't have 1. Oil, 2. Nukes, 3. White People, and 4. They're socialists; so America and the Western world just don't give a fuck about them (although our government cared enough to list the Tamil Tigers as a terrorist organization). Hooray for capitalism and its vast umbrella of useful countries! Sri Lanka just doesn't have all those oh-so-fucking helpful customer service call-centers that India has. There also hasn't been a movie like Slumdog Millionare for Sri Lanka, to get Americans to pay attention to how ass-backwards the fucking place is. So as a result, Sri Lanka is a footnote in history books that gets fucking shoved into the chapter about India.

These guys have been struggling for independence for three times longer than the US was in that shit-hole Vietnam. No matter how you look at these Tamil Tiger "terrorist" fucks, that's motherfucking dedication. It's not like they could even watch the goddamn BBC and learn what people think about them, or have Hanoi Jane come over and man one of their anti-aircraft guns as a publicity stunt. These guys were the real-fucking-McCoy of freedom fighters. Sure they may have ethnically cleansed a few places and committed a handful of atrocities, but what army fucking hasn't? Seriously!

No, these fucks fought and died their way out of existence because they believed that the Tamil minority was being fucked over by the Sinhalese ruled-government (Oh shit, I did some actual research!). They wanted their own fucking state. Granted, I'm not saying one group of these guys was better than the other, they'd probably all just as soon die with their hands wrapped around each others' throats, but these Tamil separatists died fighting in fucking obscurity. They did everything they could to win, and when they fucking couldn't, they still fought and died. That's hardcore! Serious hardcore motherfucking metal!

There won't be a Call of Duty: Tamil Eelam, we won't see Battlefield: Sri Lanka being played on the fucking Military Channel. Fuck no! Apparently we don't fucking care. We'd rather watch Band of Brothers for the umpteenth time and go play the video games about the only war we feel confident supporting: the WWII; because we won and defeated the ultimate cliche bad guys: the Nazis.

So fuck all that, we've got to get on with our mundane fucking lives. And to all those people dying for what they believe in half way across the fucking planet: America doesn't give a fuck... unless you'll work in sweatshops making the next-generation of running shoe. Then we'll know you exist, but still won't give a fuck about you!

You know what, hell, keep on fighting, because maybe someday an anti-authority teen will read about your plight and write a punk song about it... and a small percentage of us will listen to it... and an even smaller percentage will care. But fuck dude, at least you cared about something enough to die for it.

Fucking metal, man!

Swine Flu Distracts from Real Threat: Swine Themselves

UK researchers have unraveled the genetics behind swine flu. England’s Health Protection Agency has shared the information with scientists working on a vaccine for the strain. While the United States’ Center for Disease Control has already made the genetic information on the swine flu publicly available, the National Institute for Biological Standards and Control has been working specifically to get the genetic information on the virus that has infected Europeans. It is hoped that this information will result in a vaccine soon.

You know, for the past month everybody has been so worried about this swine flu, but let me tell you, the flu isn’t that fucking dangerous. I get sick with this shit about once a year and all I have to fucking do is take some Claritin and the whole goddamn thing pretty much goes away. Sure every year it fucking kills a handful of geriatrics and infants, but seriously, what doesn’t kill them? You could fucking hit them with a wet noodle and have a decent chance of killing the fuckers on the spot. No, the reason this shit has been in the headlines isn’t because of how dangerous swine flu is, it’s because they fucking want us to worry.

The problem here isn’t the swine flu, it’s the fucking swine. Pigs of all types are scheming, shifty, power-hungry fuckers that stop at nothing while pursuing their bid for ultimate power. Have you ever read George Orwell’s Animal Farm, Fuck! it’s like the guy saw this coming from way off. Sure Orwell was using the animals as some sort of gay-assed metaphor for Russia’s Bolsheviks and Mensheviks, but did you see how evil those fucking pigs were? If anything, swine flu is just part of their overall scheme to crush the entire fucking world between their hooves.

Swine have always been a goddamn problem. The Jews knew not to keep the fuckers around back in biblical days, Muslims keep their distance, but unfortunately us fat-assed Americans just can’t get enough fucking bacon. We fucking put bacon on everything from ice cream to breakfast cereals (technically I haven’t heard of anyone putting bacon on their cereal, but some dumb fuck out there in a red state has to have done that). Our obsession with bacon, 9/11, the movie Babe, and swine flu are all playing right into their fucking plan; distracting us while the curly-tailed legions prepare their fucking master stroke.

In a few days we’ll all know the motherfucking truth. As pigs and hogs armed with high-caliber assault weapons come hobbling down our streets, pillaging our homes and fucking our woman, we’ll finally come to understand the real goddamn truth: it’s been the pigs all along. The greedy porkers will reshape the whole fucking planet to be a giant mud pit so that they can cool off during the summer (global-warming must have caused them to accelerate their plans). Humans will become their slaves, constantly forced to water piles of dirt and shit into mud for their fucking wallowing pleasure.

Sure there will be a human resistance, but we won’t have the fucking centuries of secret preparation that those fuckers did. It’ll be a hard struggle and I’m not sure that humanity has that fighting spirit that will be needed to depose our porcine overlords, but we’ll keep fighting the good fight until we have the Earth back in mammalian hands.

Birds can do Arithmetic, Public School Grads Jealous

Researchers from the Universities of Padova and Trento have demonstrated that chicks' have the ability to add and subtract the number of objects hidden behind screens. The study's author, Lucia Regolin, stated that the chicks used basic arithmetic to determine which screen hid the greater number of objects. The study's findings have been published in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B.

Once again, we're fucked. We've been outdone by our goo-shitting avian co-inhabitants. It was bound to happen someday. The problem is that birds already have a major advantage on us, they can fucking fly. They've just been sitting on there on the telephone wires, acting innocent and shitting on our cars for all these years, biding their time. We thought they were harmless, but now we know the truth. They can add! That means that when they're sitting on those lines, they're fucking counting... and on the day that the numbers finally add up right, they'll tear us the hell apart.

Alfred Hitchcock tried to warn us what could happen in his 1963 real-time documentary, but none of us fucking listened. No, we thought it was just another one of his weird-ass horror movies. Oh how foolish we were. And its all adding up now: birds doing arithmetic, Avian flu, Big Bird from Sesame Street feeding lies to our children... it all means one thing, imminent avian take-over.

My take: lets put our pride by the wayside and get them to the fucking negotiation table. Because seriously, we could probably take the feathered fuckers on (I mean, what doesn't kill birds? Windows, airplanes, pollution, birdshot... we're pretty set on ways to kill birds en masse), but the issue becomes 'do we want to?' Fuck no! We need to ally ourselves with the birds so that they can help us fight off the long-overdue ape and robot uprisings. Birds could give us that upper hand that we need to come out victorious in the upcoming fight for the fucking dominant species on Earth.

With birds on our side, nothing can stop us! And seriously, I mean, we'll stab them in the fucking back once we're done with them. Yeah, suck it you little winged bastards! What's the most dangerous animal?! It's man, motherfuckers!

Wind Powered Car can't Save You From SHIT!

Richard Jenkins, an engineer from Hampshire England, has created a wind-powered car called the Greenbird that has broken the land speed record for wind-powered vehicles. After 10 years of work, Jenkin's vehicle reached 126.1 mph on the dry plains of Ivanpah Lake, Nevada. The Greenbird is described as a "very high-performance sailboat" that uses a solid wing instead of a sail to generate the force it needs to reach high speeds.

This isn't going to fucking help us! A sailboat?! Really?! Are we back in 1492, trying to find a quick route to the East-Indies? No! Fuck that. This is a completely pointless advance for humanity that isn't going to fucking matter when the apocalypse comes for all of us. Our fastest "land sailboat" isn't going to do shit for us when being fucking chased by flesh-eating robots or vengeance craving apes.

Even worse, have you seen this Nicholas Cage garbage of a movie, Knowing? It's about a tweaked out dude with fucked up hair who figures out some gay code shit about disasters or something. I don't know... I wasn't fucking paying attention. I was more concerned with the fact that Nicholas Cage was given another goddamn movie role. In any case, the world is going to be burned to a fucking crisp by a sun flare or some shit like that. The special effects were cool enough to give us all another thing to fucking worry about. "What if the sun decides to fucking sneeze?!" Boom. We're all fucking crispy critters.

Of course, Nick Cage also shows us how to pick up a woman at a museum: have your kid hang out with her kid, talk to the mom about it, then tell her how her mother was a fucking prophet and how you need to talk to her about her traumatic upbringing because the fate of the whole goddamn fucking world depends on it. Oh wait, that's a fucking terrible idea. Way to go you Ghost Rider starring fuck!

So when planet-killer level sun flares start scorching the shit out of the surface of the Earth like a hair-dryer on crack, rest assured that Richard Jenkins will be able to outrun the rays of the sun at a record-breaking 120 mph for about two seconds before he's cooked like a fucking Hot Pocket in a stupid little sailboat. And we can all fucking laugh, until we too have a tender, flakey crust.

The Internet is Fucking Lame

There's no news here. The internet has always been this fucking lame. Even when it was impressive that you could type something into a computer in New York and have someone in Los Angeles read it, it was still lame as holy hell. For a while, all of the capabilities that kept appearing to make the internet seem so much more attractive could simply be countered with: "I can do that faster in person, you pasty fuck." Of course, we're far beyond that point. The internet is an important tool in the world of globalization... or something... I don't know. It's still fucking useless.

The really terrifying thing is these assholes of the younger fucking generations are far more integrated into the internet than the consumers of depends who first grew up with it. Remember how having an away message up on AIM was cool and edgy? Fuck, I don't really either. I guess at some point it may have seemed way deep to have song lyrics or a quote as an away message... and then we all graduated the fucking 10th grade. Thought that was the end of it? Fuck no! Now we've got Twitter... and Facebook... and live updates on cell phones. People can beam their every fucking action to you so that you have to pay attention. Oh shit, your steak wasn't served tender?! I'm going to write my fucking congressman about it!

I think the worse thing about it is that it shows us just how fucking lazy we all are. Nietzsche wrote that he thought commoners shouldn't know how to read and write because they'd flood the literary landscape with their fucking boring writings. Lucky for ol'Freddy, even when everyone is literate, they're still to fucking lazy to all write down their boring thoughts. Well that's changed now, motherfuckers! Thanks to texting and social networking, everyone can spread their shitty, inane thoughts. Now we can all see how clever everyone is by constantly reconstructing the statement "(Enter Your Name Here) is (Enter Action/Statement)." Fuck! It's like madlibs but with... wait no! It's just as fucking pathetic as madlibs.

Even worse, blog sites that masquerade as something useful. Listen, people will have blogs. Journals where they whine about shit, forums where they discuss politics; whatever, I don't give a fuck. It's your personal fucking soapbox. Has anyone heard of Guidespot.com? Of course not. It's a blog site where anyone can write a useful guide to anything. Fucking awesome. That's just what I need, advice from someone who isn't good enough to be paid for their fucking insight. Oh Wow! Now I can read some NYU dropout's instructions on "How to Love a New York Pervert." Or even better, a film school reject's list of "Movies that Will Seriously Mess with your Head"... because clearly this guy is the only one who's ever fucking dropped acid while watching Ingmar Bergman films.

And Youtube, possibly the redeemer of the internet as it provides us with retarded videos in bulk, it can also provide us with some of the lamest shit since the Da Vinci Code. Now every boring fuck can have their own talk show. Fantastic! It's just like watching Conan O'Brien, except... wait... it fucking never gets funny! Because clearly imitating something that's already been done to death is the fucking way to get noticed. And even better, thanks to Facebook and Twitter, I get updates to ever new episode. Sweet! Where the fuck is my gun? Because I need to drill some fucking tunnels through my goddamn neuro-receptors. I'll make it into a Youtube video!

Is the World This Fucked up or Do I Just Have a Brain Tumor?

After browsing through recent news articles in hopes of finding something worth raising my blood pressure over in an insane rant, I found that there's just too much going on right now that's so fucking absurd that I really don't even need to comment on how it's inevitably leading us one step closer to a Road Warrior-style, post-apocalyptic existence. But there are a few things that were just so bat-shit insane that I think I might actually be in some sort of coma induced dream.

Michael Jackson is back... why? What the hell. Hearing this was what initially made me think that I might have a brain tumor that's slowing eating away at my sanity. I mean... fuck dude, that's crazy. People still make jokes about how in the 60s the idea of Ronald fucking Reagan becoming president was ridiculous (because god forbid I go a day without someone quoting Back to the Future)... but, if someone in '83 had a prophetic vision of Michael Jackson as the freak he is today, they'd fucking stroke-out on the spot. The fucking tickets are already sold out... of course.

Kenneth Branagh is directing the film adaptation of the comic series Thor. Finally! Someone is fucking listening to me. When I was watching Branagh's shitty-assed screen version of Shakespeare's As You Like It, I was thinking "holy fucking god, this is the same direction that a Thor movie could use!"
...And the tumor grew.

An article entitled "Supermodel Satellite Set to Fly" boosted my hopes that media-leach Tyra Banks was being shot into space, as I advised President Obama to take such action in the opening days of his administration. It turns out that the thing is just a really fancy-assed satellite to measure gravity or some other gay shit. It's been called "beautiful looking," hence calling it a fucking supermodel. Way to get my already dashed hopes up, BBC News.
...Blood vessels popped.

The Snuggie... the blanket with sleeves. Because a normal blanket is just too goddamn uncomfortable! Commercials for this atrocity caused my fucking ears to start shooting out blood in a Monty-Python kind of way...

...And just as the pressure became way too fucking much, as tumors that look suspiciously like General Tso's Chicken were moments from bursting out from beneath my skull and cracking it like it was made from fucking paper mache, I saw this picture...

...and then I remembered: no it's not just me, humanity is this fucking crazy; and the pain went away. God bless you Jesus, you hooker loving fuck.

Apes Plan Ahead for Imminent Take-Over

Researchers have found that Santino, a chimpanzee at the Furuvik Zoo in Sweden, deliberately planned and executed rock throwing attacks on zoo visitors. The findings, as reported in Current Biology, show that the chimp calmly collected rocks and stone in the morning hours before the zoo opened so that he could later throw them in agitated displays of dominance. Santino also learned to find weak spots in the concrete "boulders" that were in his enclosure, as the weakened points would make a hollow sound when he tapped on them. The weak spots would then be hit until they small pieces detached, which he would then add to his stockpiles.

Dr. Mathias Osvath of Lund University in Sweden, author of the research, believes that Santino's actions definitively show that chimpanzees do plan for future needs. Proof of such planning has never been observed before. He states that this illustrates the so-called autonoetic consciousness. Roughly it means that information from memory can be distinguished from that of the senses. Dr. Osvath has been studying Santino since the first discovery of the stone caches in 1997.

So what shit is scarier: That apes can plan for their inevitable conquest of our planet, or that it took a scientist a whole fucking decade to figure out that chimps can plan to throw rocks at us? How the fuck did this guy get his PHD? Meticulously watching monkeys build towers out of their own shit? For fucks sake, this makes makes me wish I was a goddamn creationist.

But what does this really mean? It means we should stop fucking around with apes. They can plan, so its not a huge fucking leap to think they can feel humiliation too. Eventually, these goofy looking bastards are going to get tired of us putting them in terrible movies with second-rate celebrities. Is the humor that comes from watching Clint Eastwood teamed up with an Orangutan worth a possible ape uprising? Malk Wahlberg will tell you, those fuckers are strong!

I, for one, don't believe we should be risking this shit. Have you seen Conquest of the Planet of the Apes? It's like a documentary about how they'll take us over. Guns can't do shit. We're so practiced and efficient at killing people, could we really fight off an overwhelming army of apes? Probably not, in my opinion.

Of course, this isn't America's fucking problem. Clearly the apes know how to bide their hairy-assed time. They know that America is on the fucking decline and that China is the new big boy on the block. If they can store stones for throwing at douche bag tourists later, they can wait until China comes up with sub-prime mortgages and fucking tank their economy just like the good old U.S. of A. That's when the apes will decide to strike with their massive ape strength and sticks and stones, crushing our bones like so many... I don't know, whatever apes normally crush. We'll be helpless against their simian onslaught.

But as I said, this is for the Chinese to fucking worry about. And when they ask America for help, we'll just fucking laugh at them, because... well, because we're jerks. Red White and Blue, motherfuckers!

Confusion and Panic Grip Economy, Cardboard Box Real Estate Doubles in Value

The jobless rate in the United States jumped to 8.1% in February. Over 650,000 people lost their jobs. 12.5M Americans are now without jobs. The country's GDP is now shrinking at an annual rate of 3.8%.

Somewhere along the line, we fucked shit up. Now I'm not going to go looking for someone to blame for this. We've got enough whiny-bitches on the TV doing that already. People are saying things like "we saw this coming long ago" and "the bottom had to fall out eventually"... well fuck that. And everybody douchebag on the news is coming up with some stroke-addled analogy to explain this all to us, because nobody seems to be able to fucking grasp what the economy really is. The economy is like playing Jenga, and now we're at the end of the game with no pieces left to remove... NO! Shut the fuck up!

The real problem is, there's too much in this modern age that we don't truly fucking understand. The internet: interconnected networks of wires that transfer information to servers that can be access by home computers via modems? Fuck no! I call witchcraft on that motherfucker. Cell phones: portable radios that digitally send data to localized towers that then transmit to a larger network? That makes less sense than shitting in a bathtub. Sorcery I say! Automobiles: carriages propelled by the internal combustion engine? Blasphemy! More like magically mechanical beasts that we constantly have to feed and pray to, to get us where we fucking want to go. I mean, are we really dumb enough to believe that airplanes can fly based on the fucking shape of their wings? That ain't how birds do it, so it's another fucking lie!

No. We don't understand a fucking thing about the world we live in. I don't even know how the fuck I write this crap. Am I using a Firefox to blog my Windows? Is my mouse plugged into the MP3 or the Wikipedia? What the fuck is a QWERTY? does it hurt? These are questions that the greatest sages of old can't fucking answer. In their day you went up a mountain as a young man to get answers and by the time you got back, you were a senile old fuck. That was their version of Googling shit, and you know what? It seemed to work just fine for those fucks. Granted, you lived to be 35 and the child mortality rate was 2/3, but people understood how and why. The answer: magic.

So what am I fucking whining about? Shit. I don't even know anymore. Why are we complaining about shit? Right, the economy. Listen, if 20th-level Grand Master Sorcerer Alan Greenspan couldn't figure this shit out, why the fuck are we even trying to dumb it down for the average Wal-Martian? Here's all you need to know: If you have a job: good for you, keep it. If you don't: you're fucked, go starve somewhere out of the way. Other than that shit, business as fucking usual: American Idol, MacDonalds, and Starbucks. GoooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Reagan!

Researchers Report Texting Improves Language, 9th Grade Girls Conduct Research

Researchers at Coventry University have found that text messaging on cell phones could be having a positive impact on language skills of youngsters. The study, published in the British Journal of Developmental Psychology, states that any contact with the written word has a positive effect on language development and that the commonly known mispellings and "textisms" have less negative impact that previously thought. Research from the University of Toronto found similar results regarding instant messaging improving command of language.

Jesus Christ. It looks like society has hit that point where it can't get any fucking worse. These shit-for-brains researchers think that texting is helping society? Great. I'll tell that to the next fuckhead that cuts me off on the goddamn highway because he was too busy texting to look before merging. Hey, you know what? Maybe your piece-of-shit cell phone can just tell you how to fucking drive. That way, you won't even need to look up. In fact, gouge out your fucking eyes while you're at it. Don't need hands either, so hack the fuckers off.

Shit. What's genocide-level wrong here isn't actually the text messaging, it's the fact that text messaging is probably the most exposure that these fucking kids are getting to the English language. God-forbid they pick up a fucking book. You know what though, I guess it makes sense. Phrases like "Do not go gently into that good night," just can't compare to "U goin 2 da party 2nite? wOOt." You see, kids today just can't fucking bother with those retarded full words and lame-ass correct spelling, they need to understand what you mean NOW! Because, you know, Shakespeare should've shut the fuck up and gotten to the point motherfucking point; none of this fancy-assed faggoty wordplay. Old Bill Shakespeare should have known that if you can't fit that shit into a 300 character message, it isn't worth saying.

Fuck, we don't even need to talk to each other anymore. Soon we'll all be able to beam this shit right into each others' gooey, malnourished brains. Small talk? Fuck that. We'll get right to the fucking point in 20 digital characters or less. And you know what? Apparently it's helping our grasp of the English language.

You know what? Why the fuck am I even blogging? I should just be able to post this all in small goddamn phrases that I can type as my fucking facebook status. People shouldn't have to go to this site to read my thoughts, they should just be bombarded with them whenever they log on to see their friends' shitty-assed vacation photos.

Progress motherfuckers, progress.

They Can Learn!

For the past year, England's University of Plymouth has been working with a robotic baby called iCub. The idea behind the research is observe how iCub learns via computers, therefore gaining insight into how human children learn. Ideally, the robot will eventually be able to speak short phrases in addition to more mundane activities such as sorting different shaped objects and stacking wooden blocks. Recently, iCub was shown off to the media doing things like walking, crawling, and generally portraying the traits of a human toddler.

You fucking idiots! It's like you shits are just trying to start a goddamn robot uprising. Have you ever seen ANY movie about robots in the past 25 years? First they learn to walk, then they learn to talk, then they learn about the flaws of humanity; next thing you know... BOOM! They're quoting Nietzsche while we're all having our last fucking breath strangled out of us by shiny metal toddler hands. Okay sure, it seems harmless enough now. The fucking abomination is tethered to its power source and can barely walk without support, but just look at that plastic white face; it's like they already designed it to terrify the fuck out of us.

Why would you even make a goddamn robot toddler to study the development of human toddlers? How the fuck does that logic make any sense? You want to learn about a human toddler? Maybe you should have paid more attention to your good-for-nothing son when he was a toddler. Maybe then he wouldn't be out turning tricks for a pimp named Dandy Fop to get money to feed his crystal-meth habit. But no, why don't you go build a metal fucking monstrosity to take his place. This one won't run away from you--no, it'll only play with your intestines like a kitten plays with yarn.

So remember to thank the douche-baggery of scientific method when a thousand of these fuckers come knocking on your door screaming "Exterminate!" at the top of their vocal-chord simulators. Maybe science will toss us a bone and publish where the fucking CPU is, so I know where to aim, but I'm not going to hold my breath. I'm going to the gun store.

Bollywood Movie Pokes Fun at Bush: Welcome to the last Decade, India

Bollywood movie The President is Coming is a comedy about a contest where the prize is to shake hands with President George W. Bush in his 2006 visit to India. It follows six contestants and their exploits. The producer of the film explained it as a mix of satire about Bush and the different types of Indian eccentricity. The President is Coming is an adaptation of a play by the same name. The movie was released two weeks before the end of the Bush presidency.

Way to beat the fucking horse after its been dead, buried, dug-up, raped, and then beaten again. Granted, I only stumbled across this movie almost two months after its release, but even two months ago this was the kind of material that had already trickled down to the D-list of writers and comedians; and even then we were fucking tired of it. Not that I'm saying George W. Bush jokes are off limits, but jesus-fucking-christ it's been more than eight years of the same shtick: the guy is dumb! I know! That's why I voted against him twice! That's why I stood with my jaw on the fucking floor and shit a brick when America proved just how fucking backwards it is by electing him twice (yes, that totals to two jaws to the floor and two bricks shat).

But listen, those days are over. I think all of America now realizes that he wasn't just a good-ol-boy and he didn't just say stupid things sometimes, but that he was in fact full-blown mentally retarded. And it was cute for a while in a Dan Quayle sort of way when he'd get a saying wrong or not know how to pronounce words... then he started two wars, blew his nose on the fucking constitution, and helped plummet the economy into the ground faster than a skydiver who accidentally packed an anvil. After that... well it stopped being so fucking funny. After that it was like realizing that the slow kid you've been picking on in homeroom for so many months is actually retarded. Then you just feel shame.

So Bollywood, you really want to jump on the fucking bandwagon now of all times? Fine. Whatever. Because you know what? Your shitty movie still isn't going to make any fucking sense to anyone outside of India. Sure, you'll throw some clever dialogue around, maybe some physical comedy, but you know what? I bet people in silly clothes are going to break out into random group dancing scenes, separated by gender. Am I right? Yeah, that's what I fucking thought.

Yeah, fine, I'm being very ethnocentric and jingoistic here, but seriously, George W. Bush has become America's retarded nephew that we lock in his bedroom so he doesn't embarrass us when we have company. You want to start picking on him again? Fine. All bets are off, motherfuckers!

Universal Charger for Phones Planned, Radioshack Execs Weep Openly

Cell phone manufacturers have come together in a broad agreement that will move the industry to a single, energy-saving charger for all future cell phones. After being urged by the European Commission, mobile phone manufacturers such as Nokia, Motorola, Samsung, Sony Ericsson, and LG decided on the micro-USB connector as the common charging interface for their phones by 2012. Previously, each manufacturer had a specific charger for each of their phones, and sometimes for each different model of phone. The elimination of the need for many different types of chargers could potentially erase 51,000 tons of waste.

I would have to say that something like this was right up there with peace in the Middle East on the scale of implausibility. Everyone has become accustomed to the fact that when you buy that shiny new cell phone that you need so fucking bad because your old one only had a 3 megapixel camera (piece of shit!), it comes with a new charger that isn't compatible with the old one you had. Oh! And you have to buy a separate charger for your car because... well because that's what the fucking salesman told you that you need to do. That was business.

And in its own sick and twisted way, it made sense. Every manufacturer came up with their own charger plug that breaks your phone within a year of its purchase. At Radioshack, I learned to match each charging plug to the phone, because god forbid I fill my brain with anything practical. You see, that's really all Radioshack sells anymore. When I worked there, customers were in three categories: The mentally handicapped, people who needed cell phone chargers, and geriatrics who needed hearing aid batteries but can't hear me tell them what their total was. So you see, cell phone chargers were about half of our fucking business, making us the experts.

Here's what I learned: Samsung, Sanyo, and LG had their own easy-to-snap-as-a-toothpick needle plugs. Nokia had a similar, but as always incompatible, plug for their phones. Motorola had a wide plug with plastic clips on the end that broke off the first time you tried to unplug it. Nextel, being a brand of Motorola, had the same wide plug, but with an extra piece of plastic jammed in there, just to fucking be different. Oh, and remember the RAZR? That thing used a mini-USB plug, but not just any mini-USB plug. It was specially designed for the oh-so-shitty RAZR, and not enough were made when they first came out. So now you understand the implications of a universal charger, all this information becomes as useful to my brain as a .45 slug.

So, what does this mean for your average Joe Bumblefuck out there? Nothing really. You're still going to need a new charger for your new phone, because its still going to take 3 fucking years to standardize them. Even then, it's only after you've purchased one of these fancy new universal chargers that you'll never need to buy a new one. And you know what? You'll lose the fucking thing anyway. The system works! Radioshack wins again!

Israeli Election Makes American Elections Look Organized: Too Many Votes for Nader

After the final count, neither front runner in the Israeli elections can claim victory. A single party needs 61 seats in the Knesset, the powerful Israeli legislative body that enacts laws and elects their president. Kadima, the current ruling centrist party, holds 28 seats and Likud, the right-wing party, holds 27 seats. Coming in third was Yisrael Beiteinu, the ultra-conservative party, with 15 seats; followed by the Labour party with 13 seats, the Shas party with 11 seats, and seven other parties with seats in the single digits.

Alright. As much as people complain that the United States is strictly a two-party system, there's a fucking reason we do it that way. We might dispute elections, call for recounts, prevent minorities from voting, have ballots that confuse the fuck out of AARP members, lose votes, ignore votes, and trade votes, but in the end we know which of the two evils are being elected to the office of biggest fucking tool in America.

Sure, I'd like to see Ron Paul as president too (It'd be as much of a joke as anything else involving the government). I mean, the guy's batshit insane, but... well really he's just batshit insane, that's good enough for me. However, being realistic, I understand that that can never fucking happen. Candidates have to do things within the terribly twisted system of evil that we've developed over the past 200 years. You can't just yell things that "make sense," put up a fuckload of stickers, and have people hop into Call of Duty games and yell "Vote Ron Paul!" until they get banned. That's not how American democracy works motherfucker.

Same goes for aging "Captain Buzz-Kill" Ralph Nader, champion of the third party and white guys with dreadlocks. I fucking get it, dude; it shouldn't be a two party system, but do you really think there are enough dirty hippies out there to get you into the fucking White House? Of course not. You're just trying to make a fucking point. And looking at the Israeli elections, you can see just why the point you're making is fucking retarded. Oh, except for the environment, that point isn't retarded, but are we really going to elect a president on just that platform? We know the answer is no, so don't fucking lie to me you Chevy Corvair-killing douchebag.

The reason that the Israeli elections are deadlocked is because they have too many fucking parties; which surprises the fuck out of me, you'd think there would just be two: the kill palestinians party and the don't kill palestinians party, but whatever. If we really wanted to, we could break the Democrat and Republican parties into many smaller parties representing the one issue that they feel is important.
Republicans could be broken into the following:
the "Get Off My Land!" party focusing on fully-automatic assault rifles and marrying your cousin,
the "Jesus Loves You, So Fucking Die!" party focusing on Christian values and killing pro-lifers, gays, and Muslims,
and the "We Own You" party focusing on oil, big business, and always winning because they have the fucking money.



Democrats would then be broken down to the following, listed briefly to save space:
the Black party, the Jew party, the Hispanic party (these three could combine in a Voltron-esque way to become the ultra-powerful Minority party, but that ain't fucking happening), the Crazy Lesbian party, the Unions party, the Damn Dirty Hippie party, the Educated-but-not-Rich party, the Gay party, The-Matrix-is-Real party, Oprah's Book Club, the World of Warcraft party (internally divided between Alliance and Horde), the KISS Army, and the people who always write in "Your Mom."

Is that what we want? No, that would be fucking ridiculous. So instead, every four years, 60% of the population comes together in the spirit of... i don't know... obligation, and votes for whoever their church, union, or favorite fucking celebrity tells them to, because we're all fucking sheep (that's not to say that we're having intercourse with domestic livestock, but simply that we blindly follow others regardless of the consequences).

So anyway, way to be Israeli, and way to show us how true Democracy just proves that we all only give a shit about one thing: ourselves... and fucking sheep.

Afghans Vote United States as Worst Pest Control Service; Followed Closely by Soviet Russia and Terminix

New polls show that people in Afghanistan are increasingly feeling that their country is headed in the wrong direction. Public opinion is still in favor of the central government in Kabul and the presence of foreign troops, but both are steadily falling. Afghans are still strongly anti-Taleban and the majority believe that they are still the biggest danger.

Another poll that asked if the use of air strikes by US and other foreign forces was acceptable, showed that 77% felt they were unacceptable despite the results. Additional polling revealed that 67% feel they have not benefited from international aid.

How dare the Afghans be ungrateful! We showed up unannounced, bombed the living fuck out of anything of worth, installed a Ben Kingsley look-alike as president, left without fixing a goddamn thing... and oh yeah, then all the Taleban broke out of prison. We're still working on that last part. You know, I'm surprised these people are even willing to fucking talk to us.

Hell, the fucking commie pinkos at least made their intentions clear and kept most of the cities standing. Meanwhile we JDAMed the shit out of everything, and we still didn't finish the job. We left without solving the fucking problem because their neighbor down the street has something more valuable that we want. That shows commitment issues right there. We really need to work on that.

As a pest control service, we rate very poorly. Terminix, who I typically loathe to the ends of the Earth, aren't that bad. Sure they show up when it's convenient for them, despite what I tell them, and the exterminator usually steals some hand towels, but they do kill the bugs. What the United States has done would be like the exterminator showing up while your family is sleeping, wrecking all the furniture with a fire axe for no real reason, starting to gas the place and then leaving on a whim. On the way out he shot your dog. And then you get a phone call from head office apologizing and saying that its all on the house. Oh! And a week later he drives by and throws a live hornet's nest through your window and flips you the bird for good measure. That is how bad we fucked things up.

And despite all this, they're still in favor of our troops dicking around their barren wasteland of a country. That shows you just how fucking terrible things were before we got there.

Despite not being Christians, they showed us exactly how Jesus would react. So way to go America, by proxy, you've made Jesus start losing faith in you (this is the obvious conclusion). Do you know how hard that is to do? He still forgave everyone even after they tacked him to a fucking telephone pole to be left for dead and jabbed him in the kidney with a spear... and they did some other shit to him too, I don't know, it's in the bible somewhere.

Pirate/Rebels Release Arms Ship, Other Pirate/Rebels Thankful over Safe Delivery of Arms

Reports from Somalia state that the pirates who hijacked a Ukrainian cargo ship in September of this year have received their ransom and left the vessel. The ship and its crew of 20 was released after the pirates were paid a reported sum of $3.2M out of the $20M they had reportedly demanded. One of the pirate leaders talked with the AFP via phone and explained that "No huge amount has been paid, but something to cover our expenses," and that he was very happy with the result.

Meanwhile, the Kenyan government claims that the 33 upgraded T-72 battle tanks and various small arms, including assault rifles and RPGs, were theirs, however the manifest shows that they were headed for South Sudan. Kenya, who helped broker a peace for the Sudanese Civil War in 2005, would be embarrassed if it was learned that they were supplying arms to the Southern Sudanese rebels.

And the circle of life continues!

Sure, it's wonderful that the crew of the cargo ship was released, minus the Russian captain who conveniently died of a heart attack shortly after the pirates seized his ship, but isn't this all just bringing up more issues? And even better, it brings up the fact that nobody fucking gives a shit.

We can all agree that genocide is a bad thing. We've seen the fucking PSAs (because god forbid the average American reads once and a while). We can all agree that pirates are bad. But when you get in a situation where pirates seize weapons that are to be used for genocide: the obvious solution is to give the pirates what they fucking want so those tanks can be used to crush their enemies, see them driven before them, and hear the lamentation of their women... because that's what good little tanks are supposed to do.

Seriously, I don't know what the fuck could be done here, but I know when things are rotten. Fact is, we're actually fine with the killing continuing, because it means that some fat-cat douchebag makes money selling lonely old Cold War weaponry that was tragically never used to fuck up the European country-side until it resembled the moon. But hey, it's all good because... nope... can't really find a bright side to that one.

I don't even need to make any fucking jokes about this. The situation is humorous enough in a dark and tragic way. Insert your own fucking genocide joke here. Hell, I'll even get your started:
What do you get when you've got 2M Sudanese dead in a mass grave? _________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
Oh man, I bet it's fucking hilarious.

You know what? Fuck caring about shit. I'm gonna go play Call of Duty on Xbox Live and frag some NOOBs... and then probably get into an argument with a fifth-grader from Scotland about his mother. You've got to love globalization.

Liam Neeson Throat-Punches Paul Blart

The French action/thriller Taken has replaced Paul Blart: Mall Cop in the top-grossing film position this weekend, raking in $24.6M compared to Blart's $14M. Taken is co-written and produced by Luc Besson, writer and director of such films as: The Professional, La Femme Nikita, and The Fifth Element. He was also the writer and producer of the Transporter films. In Taken, Liam Neeson portrays a retired CIA agent who has to use his skills and cunning to track down his kidnapped teenage daughter.

Alright fine, Taken isn't all that original, but it doesn't fucking matter. Liam Neeson shows why little girls should listen to their goddamn fathers. See, his daughter doesn't know that while she was still in the womb, her daddy was strangling Nicaraguans with lamp cord, side-by-side with G. Gordon Liddy. So when daddy tells her to call her when her plane lands, he fucking means it.

Anyway, you've seen those shitty movie-ruining trailers. The spoiled little bitch gets kidnapped, big surprise. And that's when Liam Neeson snaps back into Jack Bauer Genocide mode and starts punching guys in the fucking throat. That seems to be his thing. Be it fist, pistol butt, or serving plate... they're all going right the fuck into the bad guys' throats.

This man wrecks France while getting his daughter back. It's been established by films like Ronin, the Transporter, and others that you can have a fucking firefight with machine guns and rockets in the middle of Paris and the French authorities are helpless little pussies who can't do a thing about it. This film follows in that great tradition. Liam Neeson doesn't just clear the fucking room of bad guys, he clears city blocks at a time. He walks in to a building full of criminals and ten seconds later their trachea have the consistency of caviar.

The movie is shit-your-pants fantastic. Does that scare you? It fucking should. It delivers exactly what it promises in the goddamn trailers; granted, it isn't Ron Pearlman as a viking, but everything can't be that epic. Go see it and God might not cast you to the fucking abyss for seeing Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

Oh by the way, we're not quite off fucking the hook for Blart yet. It looks like they might be making a sequel. You really think Columbia Pictures isn't going to make a sequel to a movie that only cost $25M and has made about $70M in its first three weeks? Even those dumbasses aren't retarded to that level. No, America has dug its own grave here.

I'd like to think this is the last time I'll be talking about a movie involving overweight mall cop on a Segway, but I know better than that. It's not just going to go away if we fucking ignore it. Jesus, it's like global warming all over again. We are fucked.

Top Secret US Military Data Found on Thrift Shop MP3 Player: Another Homerun for Homeland Security

Chris Ogle, 29 of New Zealand, bought an MP3 player at an Oklahoma thrift shop and found files on it that contained information on U.S. Military personnel. The files listed the names and telephone numbers of US soldiers, along with other personal data such as social security numbers and mission briefings from Afghanistan. The United States has yet to make a comment on the incident.

For a moment I looked at this mess and said "yeah, I guess some information is going to get out." But then I took a step back and realized how fucking retarded that is.

How much of our money to do these fucking mental giants spend on national defense? We've got bombers that costs $2 billion a piece and bombs that cost hundreds of millions, but none of that shit matters if some fucking tourist from New Zealand finds some shit on his iPod that explains exactly where those fantastic wastes of money are going to be dropped in a confused attempt to frag some godforsaken Arab dirt farmers.

I think what troubles me the most is that Top Secret Military data is being stored in the same format I use to make my fucking grocery list. Compatibility doesn't matter when it's a motherfucking secret, you stupid fucks! The mere fact that this data can be put on an MP3 player is the fucking knife to the gut, but then the fact that it was left on there so that some Kiwi fuck could find it, that's the twist of the fucking knife while it's still in the gut.

You know what else? Apparently our Army officers are so fucking poor that they have to sell their MP3 players they store military secrets on to a fucking thrift shop. Jesus fucking Christ, these aren't the fucking grunts here; these are the college-educated ignorant cocksuckers who lead the grunts into fucking ambushes. You'd think these douchebags would be wasteful enough to just throw out old electronic garbage from Radioshack the way they throw out the lives of their fucking men, but no, not this time. This time, you fucked up GI shit-for-brains.

So if you're the brilliant fuck who left all that information on your MP3 player, save the goddamn terrorists and your own men the trouble and shove a fucking grenade up your ass.

Dung Beetle Evolves From Nature's Bitch to Predator, Humans Insist on Wasting Money on Movie About Obese Mall Cop

The dung beetle, once at the rear end of the food chain, has been filmed in Peru attacking and eating Millipedes more than ten times its own size.

Deltochilum valgum, one of the species commonly known as the dung beetle, typically feasts on fresh animal feces that they form into balls and roll with their hind legs, however it has been found that this particular species has completely given up dining on feces in favor of decapitating prey with their armored-hides and then feasting on their insides. This is the first time a dung beetle species has ever been recorded making such a transition.


We're being fucking laughed at here people. This type of dung beetle has just made the most fundamentally progressive move for its fucking species since its existence. This sort of an evolution is like going from being the booger-eating kid who gets swirlies every day to decapitating the school bully with a motherfucking katana and then ripping out and eating his raw heart, while the entire goddamn lunchroom watches in fucking awe. Deltochilum valgum was a "dung beetle" but is now a "badass motherfucker beetle."

This wasn't even something that was brought on by necessity. It's not like there wasn't enough shit around for these fuckers to eat. They woke up one day, said "fuck this!" and started taking the fucking head of any bugs that got in their way. Whatever the goddamn term you personally use now to describe something as being so fucking awesome you can't describe it (be it metal, tech, gonzo, whatever...), this is the fucking definition of it.

Meanwhile, we humans, the top of the fucking food-chain, keep consuming shit on unsustainable levels and think nothing of it. Far worse than that, Paul Blart: Mall Cop has been #1 at theaters for two weeks now, proving that people don't give a flying fuck about what movie they go see. "Oh, a fat mall cop guy on a segway, that looks like a fucking laugh-riot. Mall cops are a joke, segways are a joke, fat guys are funny as hell when they fall down. Fucking Gold!"

Well way to go America, expect more shit like Paul Blart, because you fucking asked for it. And even better, you just got schooled by the fucking dung beetle. Congratulations! Go fuck yourself.

Outlander, Enough Said

Okay, I'm going to take a slight break from yelling about the same kind of shit all the time.

Have you ever thought the story of Beowulf would be fucking awesome if Beowulf was a space marine who crash lands in 8th century Norway, and is followed by a badass space alien version of Grendel? If you think this sounds like a bad idea, you're a fucking moron and should swallow the business end of a shotgun just to keep your terrible judgment out of the goddamn gene pool.

Yes, this is the concept behind the film Outlander, which premiered tonight (err, last night... I'm writing this at 1:30am). Haven't heard of it? Of course you haven't. It hasn't been fucking advertised. I was told about the movie tonight, only a few hours before seeing it. I was hesitant to pay $10 at Loews to see it, but in hindsight, I should have been willing to pay upwards of $50 just to have to privilege of glimpsing its magnificence.

Listen... I could ruin every plot point and mention every fucking incredible scene, but I'll simply leave you with this: Ron Pearlman as a viking who dual-wields war hammers. If that isn't fucking good enough for you, take my advice and ventilate your fucking skull with buckshot.

Okay, maybe I'm overselling it, but it's at least worth $10 to go fucking see it. The six other people in the theater clearly agreed with me. Go see it, because it probably won't be in theaters for long since nobody fucking knows about it.

Or go see Paul Blart: Mall Cop and then, not to be repetitive but: 12 gauge... brain... wall.

US Priests Accused of Taking Money From Collection Plates: No Shit!

Two Roman Catholic priests from St. Vincent Ferrer Church in West Palm Beach have been accused of taking over $800,000 from their parishioners. Auditors believe that over $8m may have been taken over the last 20 years, however the statute of limitations prevents the priests from being charged with thefts from before 2001.

One of the priests, Father John Skehan, has plead guilty to the charges. He claims he spent the money on expensive houses and a gambling addiction. Police reports show $100,000 was used to pay the expenses of a lover (the church's book-keeper) and $300,000 was spent on rare coins.

Are you kidding?

Where the fuck did everyone think the money in the collection plate was going? Feeding those fucking pathetic orphans on TV? NO! It was going to the motherfucking priests. Jesus fucking Christ, how did people not know this? This isn't even new. Read about the middle-ages you stupid fucks. Priests steal your fucking money! They always have and they always will.

This is all because most people are too fucking stupid to realize that God suffered a goddamn series of crippling strokes when Urban II told everyone to go fucking kill Arabs in the name of Jesus. If that wasn't enough, God then died of a heart-attack when Pius IX had the balls to declare himself infallible. God is dead and fucking buried, read your Nietzsche.

All the church, specifically the Catholic church, has ever done was take your fucking money. You really believe that if you buy enough fucking prayer candles, your uncle's shitty-assed spirit gets to go to heaven? Really? That doesn't seem like a fucking scam to you?

You know what? I fucking applaud Father John Skehan and the other priest (I didn't care enough to find his name). Whereas most Catholic priests were anally raping the local CCD class, these two douche bags were at least doing something illegal that seems reasonable: wasting money that wasn't theirs. Hell, I rather have all my fucking penny donations wasted by some gambling-addicted thief of a priest instead of having him rape the shit out of my son.

...stupid fucks

Windows Worm Can Control Machines: It Begins!

The worm known as Downadup or Kido has infected an estimated 9.5 machines worldwide. It was originally discovered in October of '08, however experts state that the number of infected PCs appears to be peaking.

The worm works by embedding itself in the code of the "services.exe" file. It then creates a randomly named ".dll" file, modifies the computer's system registry and runs the file as a service. From there the worm creates a server and downloads material from the hacker's website. It uses a complicated algorithm to generate numerous fake web addresses to mask where the actual hacker's website is, making it difficult to track.

Experts believe that the worm could allow hackers to control all infected computers, if they wished to do so. The worm has yet to be used to gain access to the infected computers, but some believe that it simply has yet to be activated.

This is it, people. The machines have us right where they fucking want us. Those stupid motherfuckers at Microsoft finally managed to fuck up so bad that they just opened the door for the toasters to walk right the fuck in.

Serves us fucking right for letting Microsoft monopolize the living shit out of computers. Maybe it would seem all the more fucking reasonable if they made anything good, but they don't. They make shit. DOS was the last good product they ever fucking made. They half-ass it every fucking time, but we don't have any other choice. You ever try to get a printer to work on Linux? Fuck. You might as well shove your dick into a paper-shredder, because it causes a hell of a lot less pain.

And it's not like we thought Windows was a secure fucking operating system. We knew of our sins. Keeping windows safe from intrusion is like trying to stop a fucking tsunami with wall made of Swiss cheese and Elmer's glue. This is what we get for our bad deeds. This is the price of our sins. The time for repentance is fucking over. We're done, man. Game over.

You know it's funny, I always thought it would be Comcast working in conjunction with General Motors that would bring about the fucking end times. I don't know why the fuck I think that's funny. It's not like any of them make a decent fucking product. The good news is that if the goddamn robotic hunter-killers they send after us are anything like every other Microsoft creation, a third of them will shut the fuck down for no apparent reason.

So let me give you all a little advice while I load 7.62 full-metal-jacket NATO rounds into my M1A (you think those pussy-assed 5.56 M16 rounds are going to do anything to the toasters when they come for you?!): stock the fuck up on canned food. Barricade the fuck out of your doors and windows with magnets. Keep a Fido nearby (dogs can always tell who's human and who's a machine... look it up). And if anyone can bring me the head of Bill "All Four Horsemen in One" Gates I'll give you 1000 bottle caps. That's what we use for currency in the aftermath of the "Great Thinking Machine Uprising" as we will soon call it.

Good luck, you stupid fucks! I'll see you survivors when it's all over.

Murder Suspect Amanda Knox Proves Difference Between "Hot" and "Fuckable"

Amanda Knox, a student from Seattle, Washington, is accused of murdering fellow student Meredith Kercher, of England, on November 1st 2007. Both were living together in Perugia, Italy, as part of a student-exchange program.

Initially it was thought that Kercher was killed by a burglar, due to the door to her room being found locked and the presence of a smashed window. It is now believed that the break-in was staged.

Investigators believe that Knox slashed Kercher's throat while Knox's boyfriend, Raffaele Sollecito, held her down and while another man, Rudy Guede, raped her. It is also believed that the events were the consequences of a sex game that went awry.

Knox claims that her and Sollecito were alone in Sollecito's apartment during the time of the murder. This contradicts Knox's earlier statements. Knox's defense team claims that her memory was clouded because she had been smoking hashish that night.

Since the murder, Amanda Knox has received much publicity due to news media investigations into her Myspace page and videos she posted on Youtube. Blame has been focused on Knox's "party-girl" image as signs of instability, resulting in a backlash of scrutiny from online bloggers. Reports on the case typically mention Knox's "angel-faced" good looks, and some have dubbed her "Foxy Knoxy." Knox is now a well-known celebrity in Italy and has continued to post videos while in jail.

The issue here isn't that there was some kind of fucked up sex/rape game that resulted in a murder in Italy; that kind of shit has been happening since Rome was first founded by inbred gorillas. The real issue is that Amanda Knox isn't really all that fucking hot.

Granted, the girl is relatively thin and therefore fits into America's media-strangled version of beauty, but just look at her. To call her "hot" is an major fucking overstatement. Knox is on the average-above/average border at best.

Don't get me wrong here: given the chance, I would wreck that chick every-which-way. Her grandchildren would be feeling it. Add in there that she's apparently into some twisted/kinky shit and smoking hash and you've got a home fucking run. Plus, there's a good number of videos out there showing her staggering around drunk and pretty much ready to spread her bony little legs at the drop of a dime. But really, "Foxy Knoxy?" Fuck that, she ain't "Bag-over-the-face Knoxy," but she's certainly not much above "I'd-hit-that Knoxy."

This all just goes to prove that there's a huge fucking gap between "fuckable" and "hot." A girl does not need to be hot to be fuckable. This is what the entire concept of College drinking parties is based on. A mix of desperation and alcohol in just about any chick puts her deep into the "fuckable" category, while nowhere fucking near the "hot" category.

Media outlets, most run and operated on a male-centric view of the world, love Knox because she's fuckable. They have sperm, she has a vagina... oh shit?! I think those two might go together like... well like sperm and vaginas. She has that right combination of non-hideousness and get-ability so that you want to fuck her on the pool table between games of beer pong while watching the end of "Videodrome" in the background, but little else.

This is the same fucking reason why we now count on homosexuals (or as I prefer, but am tragically prohibited from saying anymore: "poofs") to pick out our goddamn models, because they are not swayed by how fuckable a girl is when determining her beauty. To them its all "she has nothing that could enlarge my rectum, but she's got the face and ass of a ten year old boy and thus... HOT." ...Now that I think about it, that doesn't make a goddamn bit of sense.

So to Amanda Knox, don't let any of this go to that unused-sponge you call a brain. Men fuck anything. They will fuck each other when there isn't a suitable pussy around (see entries on: the Navy). You are average. That means good enough to fuck, but not necessarily good enough to jack-off to. In those terms, a sperm-stained poster of Farah Fawcett will win out to you every fucking time. And that's really what fucking matters.

Airbus Ditches in River, Eyewitnesses Like Being on Camera

A US Airways Airbus A320 ditched in the Hudson River shortly after taking off from LaGuardia Airport. The aircraft was less than a minute into its flight bound for Charlotte, North Carolina, when the pilot reported a "double bird strike" and then safely crash landed the plane in the river. All 155 people on board are safe and accounted for.

The real news here is that every goddamn news agency realized that there was no fucking news here. So instead of spending time covering something else for christ's sake, they felt that we needed to hear what happened from observers who have no fucking training whatsoever in news, television, aeronautics, or even speaking the language that they eagerly skull-fuck every time they open their mouths.

The end result is a thousand fucking news blurbs featuring New Yorkers walking down the motherfucking street while saying brilliant things like: "We all look out the window and it's coming right into the water," or "I just saw the big splash when the plane... bounced like... like they landed it on the water." Oh shit! Why do we bother paying news reporters when we can have this all the fucking time?!

I'm not criticizing these New Yorkers; no, they could beat the living shit out of my insides until it resembled scrambled eggs. They just want to be on TV. In fact, fuck it, I'd like to be on TV too. We all can agree on that. But here's something else we can all fucking agree on: today a french-built airplane landed in the fucking Hudson River. I don't need ten different eyewitnesses telling me in their own down syndrome-rooted words that the plane landed in the motherfucking water to convince me of that, I can read the fucking headlines.

Maybe the press should get some goddamn experts. You know, the kind who wasted their lives becoming doctors in some obscure field and were virgins until they turned 30, just so they could be cited by the cock sucking press when something like this happens. Or, here's a fucking bright idea, maybe they could tell us about a "double bird strike" and why this doesn't happen all the fucking time since there's a million fucking birds flying around New York City shitting on my car.

Israelis and Palestinians Still Fighting: Big Fucking Surprise

According to BBC News, Israeli soldiers have advanced into the suburbs of Gaza City and are engaging in firefights with Hamas gunmen. This comes following upwards of 50 air strikes from Israeli warplanes and 25 mortar/rocket attacks into Israel from Hamas. Today is the 18th day since the fighting renewed. 971 people have been killed in Gaza and 13 Israelis have been killed.

And the news here is what? Some retards who believe they're the chosen people are fighting some other retards who basically believe the same thing but pretend they don't. Big fucking surprise (as I stated in the title), people are killing each other over differing beliefs.

You know, I'm not even going to go blaming religion for this whole mess. That's giving religion way too much fucking credit. This is retards being retarded and predictable. Hell, you know what? Even if we took the god element out of this, it's nothing new. A bunch of dumbasses all fighting over the same scrap of shitty land that they think is their fucking birthright. So really, you can take your pick: this killing can be about nationalism or religion. Hooray for freedom of choice, you fucking morons.

You have to give them credit though, these fuckers fight at the drop of a hat. George Bush, aka Dubya, aka the real slim shady, had to make up shit about Iraqis still having weapons we sold them in the 80s (when we were coked out of our fucking minds) just to knock over a country that we already fucking knocked over a decade earlier. Meanwhile these douchebags in the "holy land" clusterbomb the shit out of each other if someone throws a rock at their multimillion-dollar tank.

Here's my advice: buy into a better religion than one that has you fighting over a fucking desert. It worked for L. Ron Hubbard. According to Joseph Smith, the Garden of Eden was in Missouri; as goddamn backwards as that sounds, it makes more fucking sense than it being in a desert pockmarked with bomb craters with a constant overcast of white phosphorous.

I mean really, everything Jews have been through for the past... i don't know... 5,000 fucking years, and God rewards them with what? The shittiest place on Earth (take that Newark, NJ. Someone stole your slogan) that they have to keep fucking dying over just to keep. Great. Maybe after 5,000 more years of strife he'll give you a fucking $20 gift card to Pottery Barn.

It's a cruel world. Innocent people die because of what they believe, while the fuckfaces who made Bride Wars are allowed to continue breathing and making movies.

Fuckface... its a word. Look it up.