Apes Plan Ahead for Imminent Take-Over

Researchers have found that Santino, a chimpanzee at the Furuvik Zoo in Sweden, deliberately planned and executed rock throwing attacks on zoo visitors. The findings, as reported in Current Biology, show that the chimp calmly collected rocks and stone in the morning hours before the zoo opened so that he could later throw them in agitated displays of dominance. Santino also learned to find weak spots in the concrete "boulders" that were in his enclosure, as the weakened points would make a hollow sound when he tapped on them. The weak spots would then be hit until they small pieces detached, which he would then add to his stockpiles.

Dr. Mathias Osvath of Lund University in Sweden, author of the research, believes that Santino's actions definitively show that chimpanzees do plan for future needs. Proof of such planning has never been observed before. He states that this illustrates the so-called autonoetic consciousness. Roughly it means that information from memory can be distinguished from that of the senses. Dr. Osvath has been studying Santino since the first discovery of the stone caches in 1997.

So what shit is scarier: That apes can plan for their inevitable conquest of our planet, or that it took a scientist a whole fucking decade to figure out that chimps can plan to throw rocks at us? How the fuck did this guy get his PHD? Meticulously watching monkeys build towers out of their own shit? For fucks sake, this makes makes me wish I was a goddamn creationist.

But what does this really mean? It means we should stop fucking around with apes. They can plan, so its not a huge fucking leap to think they can feel humiliation too. Eventually, these goofy looking bastards are going to get tired of us putting them in terrible movies with second-rate celebrities. Is the humor that comes from watching Clint Eastwood teamed up with an Orangutan worth a possible ape uprising? Malk Wahlberg will tell you, those fuckers are strong!

I, for one, don't believe we should be risking this shit. Have you seen Conquest of the Planet of the Apes? It's like a documentary about how they'll take us over. Guns can't do shit. We're so practiced and efficient at killing people, could we really fight off an overwhelming army of apes? Probably not, in my opinion.

Of course, this isn't America's fucking problem. Clearly the apes know how to bide their hairy-assed time. They know that America is on the fucking decline and that China is the new big boy on the block. If they can store stones for throwing at douche bag tourists later, they can wait until China comes up with sub-prime mortgages and fucking tank their economy just like the good old U.S. of A. That's when the apes will decide to strike with their massive ape strength and sticks and stones, crushing our bones like so many... I don't know, whatever apes normally crush. We'll be helpless against their simian onslaught.

But as I said, this is for the Chinese to fucking worry about. And when they ask America for help, we'll just fucking laugh at them, because... well, because we're jerks. Red White and Blue, motherfuckers!