Researchers Report Texting Improves Language, 9th Grade Girls Conduct Research

Researchers at Coventry University have found that text messaging on cell phones could be having a positive impact on language skills of youngsters. The study, published in the British Journal of Developmental Psychology, states that any contact with the written word has a positive effect on language development and that the commonly known mispellings and "textisms" have less negative impact that previously thought. Research from the University of Toronto found similar results regarding instant messaging improving command of language.

Jesus Christ. It looks like society has hit that point where it can't get any fucking worse. These shit-for-brains researchers think that texting is helping society? Great. I'll tell that to the next fuckhead that cuts me off on the goddamn highway because he was too busy texting to look before merging. Hey, you know what? Maybe your piece-of-shit cell phone can just tell you how to fucking drive. That way, you won't even need to look up. In fact, gouge out your fucking eyes while you're at it. Don't need hands either, so hack the fuckers off.

Shit. What's genocide-level wrong here isn't actually the text messaging, it's the fact that text messaging is probably the most exposure that these fucking kids are getting to the English language. God-forbid they pick up a fucking book. You know what though, I guess it makes sense. Phrases like "Do not go gently into that good night," just can't compare to "U goin 2 da party 2nite? wOOt." You see, kids today just can't fucking bother with those retarded full words and lame-ass correct spelling, they need to understand what you mean NOW! Because, you know, Shakespeare should've shut the fuck up and gotten to the point motherfucking point; none of this fancy-assed faggoty wordplay. Old Bill Shakespeare should have known that if you can't fit that shit into a 300 character message, it isn't worth saying.

Fuck, we don't even need to talk to each other anymore. Soon we'll all be able to beam this shit right into each others' gooey, malnourished brains. Small talk? Fuck that. We'll get right to the fucking point in 20 digital characters or less. And you know what? Apparently it's helping our grasp of the English language.

You know what? Why the fuck am I even blogging? I should just be able to post this all in small goddamn phrases that I can type as my fucking facebook status. People shouldn't have to go to this site to read my thoughts, they should just be bombarded with them whenever they log on to see their friends' shitty-assed vacation photos.

Progress motherfuckers, progress.