Researchers Report Texting Improves Language, 9th Grade Girls Conduct Research

Researchers at Coventry University have found that text messaging on cell phones could be having a positive impact on language skills of youngsters. The study, published in the British Journal of Developmental Psychology, states that any contact with the written word has a positive effect on language development and that the commonly known mispellings and "textisms" have less negative impact that previously thought. Research from the University of Toronto found similar results regarding instant messaging improving command of language.

Jesus Christ. It looks like society has hit that point where it can't get any fucking worse. These shit-for-brains researchers think that texting is helping society? Great. I'll tell that to the next fuckhead that cuts me off on the goddamn highway because he was too busy texting to look before merging. Hey, you know what? Maybe your piece-of-shit cell phone can just tell you how to fucking drive. That way, you won't even need to look up. In fact, gouge out your fucking eyes while you're at it. Don't need hands either, so hack the fuckers off.

Shit. What's genocide-level wrong here isn't actually the text messaging, it's the fact that text messaging is probably the most exposure that these fucking kids are getting to the English language. God-forbid they pick up a fucking book. You know what though, I guess it makes sense. Phrases like "Do not go gently into that good night," just can't compare to "U goin 2 da party 2nite? wOOt." You see, kids today just can't fucking bother with those retarded full words and lame-ass correct spelling, they need to understand what you mean NOW! Because, you know, Shakespeare should've shut the fuck up and gotten to the point motherfucking point; none of this fancy-assed faggoty wordplay. Old Bill Shakespeare should have known that if you can't fit that shit into a 300 character message, it isn't worth saying.

Fuck, we don't even need to talk to each other anymore. Soon we'll all be able to beam this shit right into each others' gooey, malnourished brains. Small talk? Fuck that. We'll get right to the fucking point in 20 digital characters or less. And you know what? Apparently it's helping our grasp of the English language.

You know what? Why the fuck am I even blogging? I should just be able to post this all in small goddamn phrases that I can type as my fucking facebook status. People shouldn't have to go to this site to read my thoughts, they should just be bombarded with them whenever they log on to see their friends' shitty-assed vacation photos.

Progress motherfuckers, progress.

They Can Learn!

For the past year, England's University of Plymouth has been working with a robotic baby called iCub. The idea behind the research is observe how iCub learns via computers, therefore gaining insight into how human children learn. Ideally, the robot will eventually be able to speak short phrases in addition to more mundane activities such as sorting different shaped objects and stacking wooden blocks. Recently, iCub was shown off to the media doing things like walking, crawling, and generally portraying the traits of a human toddler.

You fucking idiots! It's like you shits are just trying to start a goddamn robot uprising. Have you ever seen ANY movie about robots in the past 25 years? First they learn to walk, then they learn to talk, then they learn about the flaws of humanity; next thing you know... BOOM! They're quoting Nietzsche while we're all having our last fucking breath strangled out of us by shiny metal toddler hands. Okay sure, it seems harmless enough now. The fucking abomination is tethered to its power source and can barely walk without support, but just look at that plastic white face; it's like they already designed it to terrify the fuck out of us.

Why would you even make a goddamn robot toddler to study the development of human toddlers? How the fuck does that logic make any sense? You want to learn about a human toddler? Maybe you should have paid more attention to your good-for-nothing son when he was a toddler. Maybe then he wouldn't be out turning tricks for a pimp named Dandy Fop to get money to feed his crystal-meth habit. But no, why don't you go build a metal fucking monstrosity to take his place. This one won't run away from you--no, it'll only play with your intestines like a kitten plays with yarn.

So remember to thank the douche-baggery of scientific method when a thousand of these fuckers come knocking on your door screaming "Exterminate!" at the top of their vocal-chord simulators. Maybe science will toss us a bone and publish where the fucking CPU is, so I know where to aim, but I'm not going to hold my breath. I'm going to the gun store.

Bollywood Movie Pokes Fun at Bush: Welcome to the last Decade, India

Bollywood movie The President is Coming is a comedy about a contest where the prize is to shake hands with President George W. Bush in his 2006 visit to India. It follows six contestants and their exploits. The producer of the film explained it as a mix of satire about Bush and the different types of Indian eccentricity. The President is Coming is an adaptation of a play by the same name. The movie was released two weeks before the end of the Bush presidency.

Way to beat the fucking horse after its been dead, buried, dug-up, raped, and then beaten again. Granted, I only stumbled across this movie almost two months after its release, but even two months ago this was the kind of material that had already trickled down to the D-list of writers and comedians; and even then we were fucking tired of it. Not that I'm saying George W. Bush jokes are off limits, but jesus-fucking-christ it's been more than eight years of the same shtick: the guy is dumb! I know! That's why I voted against him twice! That's why I stood with my jaw on the fucking floor and shit a brick when America proved just how fucking backwards it is by electing him twice (yes, that totals to two jaws to the floor and two bricks shat).

But listen, those days are over. I think all of America now realizes that he wasn't just a good-ol-boy and he didn't just say stupid things sometimes, but that he was in fact full-blown mentally retarded. And it was cute for a while in a Dan Quayle sort of way when he'd get a saying wrong or not know how to pronounce words... then he started two wars, blew his nose on the fucking constitution, and helped plummet the economy into the ground faster than a skydiver who accidentally packed an anvil. After that... well it stopped being so fucking funny. After that it was like realizing that the slow kid you've been picking on in homeroom for so many months is actually retarded. Then you just feel shame.

So Bollywood, you really want to jump on the fucking bandwagon now of all times? Fine. Whatever. Because you know what? Your shitty movie still isn't going to make any fucking sense to anyone outside of India. Sure, you'll throw some clever dialogue around, maybe some physical comedy, but you know what? I bet people in silly clothes are going to break out into random group dancing scenes, separated by gender. Am I right? Yeah, that's what I fucking thought.

Yeah, fine, I'm being very ethnocentric and jingoistic here, but seriously, George W. Bush has become America's retarded nephew that we lock in his bedroom so he doesn't embarrass us when we have company. You want to start picking on him again? Fine. All bets are off, motherfuckers!

Universal Charger for Phones Planned, Radioshack Execs Weep Openly

Cell phone manufacturers have come together in a broad agreement that will move the industry to a single, energy-saving charger for all future cell phones. After being urged by the European Commission, mobile phone manufacturers such as Nokia, Motorola, Samsung, Sony Ericsson, and LG decided on the micro-USB connector as the common charging interface for their phones by 2012. Previously, each manufacturer had a specific charger for each of their phones, and sometimes for each different model of phone. The elimination of the need for many different types of chargers could potentially erase 51,000 tons of waste.

I would have to say that something like this was right up there with peace in the Middle East on the scale of implausibility. Everyone has become accustomed to the fact that when you buy that shiny new cell phone that you need so fucking bad because your old one only had a 3 megapixel camera (piece of shit!), it comes with a new charger that isn't compatible with the old one you had. Oh! And you have to buy a separate charger for your car because... well because that's what the fucking salesman told you that you need to do. That was business.

And in its own sick and twisted way, it made sense. Every manufacturer came up with their own charger plug that breaks your phone within a year of its purchase. At Radioshack, I learned to match each charging plug to the phone, because god forbid I fill my brain with anything practical. You see, that's really all Radioshack sells anymore. When I worked there, customers were in three categories: The mentally handicapped, people who needed cell phone chargers, and geriatrics who needed hearing aid batteries but can't hear me tell them what their total was. So you see, cell phone chargers were about half of our fucking business, making us the experts.

Here's what I learned: Samsung, Sanyo, and LG had their own easy-to-snap-as-a-toothpick needle plugs. Nokia had a similar, but as always incompatible, plug for their phones. Motorola had a wide plug with plastic clips on the end that broke off the first time you tried to unplug it. Nextel, being a brand of Motorola, had the same wide plug, but with an extra piece of plastic jammed in there, just to fucking be different. Oh, and remember the RAZR? That thing used a mini-USB plug, but not just any mini-USB plug. It was specially designed for the oh-so-shitty RAZR, and not enough were made when they first came out. So now you understand the implications of a universal charger, all this information becomes as useful to my brain as a .45 slug.

So, what does this mean for your average Joe Bumblefuck out there? Nothing really. You're still going to need a new charger for your new phone, because its still going to take 3 fucking years to standardize them. Even then, it's only after you've purchased one of these fancy new universal chargers that you'll never need to buy a new one. And you know what? You'll lose the fucking thing anyway. The system works! Radioshack wins again!

Israeli Election Makes American Elections Look Organized: Too Many Votes for Nader

After the final count, neither front runner in the Israeli elections can claim victory. A single party needs 61 seats in the Knesset, the powerful Israeli legislative body that enacts laws and elects their president. Kadima, the current ruling centrist party, holds 28 seats and Likud, the right-wing party, holds 27 seats. Coming in third was Yisrael Beiteinu, the ultra-conservative party, with 15 seats; followed by the Labour party with 13 seats, the Shas party with 11 seats, and seven other parties with seats in the single digits.

Alright. As much as people complain that the United States is strictly a two-party system, there's a fucking reason we do it that way. We might dispute elections, call for recounts, prevent minorities from voting, have ballots that confuse the fuck out of AARP members, lose votes, ignore votes, and trade votes, but in the end we know which of the two evils are being elected to the office of biggest fucking tool in America.

Sure, I'd like to see Ron Paul as president too (It'd be as much of a joke as anything else involving the government). I mean, the guy's batshit insane, but... well really he's just batshit insane, that's good enough for me. However, being realistic, I understand that that can never fucking happen. Candidates have to do things within the terribly twisted system of evil that we've developed over the past 200 years. You can't just yell things that "make sense," put up a fuckload of stickers, and have people hop into Call of Duty games and yell "Vote Ron Paul!" until they get banned. That's not how American democracy works motherfucker.

Same goes for aging "Captain Buzz-Kill" Ralph Nader, champion of the third party and white guys with dreadlocks. I fucking get it, dude; it shouldn't be a two party system, but do you really think there are enough dirty hippies out there to get you into the fucking White House? Of course not. You're just trying to make a fucking point. And looking at the Israeli elections, you can see just why the point you're making is fucking retarded. Oh, except for the environment, that point isn't retarded, but are we really going to elect a president on just that platform? We know the answer is no, so don't fucking lie to me you Chevy Corvair-killing douchebag.

The reason that the Israeli elections are deadlocked is because they have too many fucking parties; which surprises the fuck out of me, you'd think there would just be two: the kill palestinians party and the don't kill palestinians party, but whatever. If we really wanted to, we could break the Democrat and Republican parties into many smaller parties representing the one issue that they feel is important.
Republicans could be broken into the following:
the "Get Off My Land!" party focusing on fully-automatic assault rifles and marrying your cousin,
the "Jesus Loves You, So Fucking Die!" party focusing on Christian values and killing pro-lifers, gays, and Muslims,
and the "We Own You" party focusing on oil, big business, and always winning because they have the fucking money.



Democrats would then be broken down to the following, listed briefly to save space:
the Black party, the Jew party, the Hispanic party (these three could combine in a Voltron-esque way to become the ultra-powerful Minority party, but that ain't fucking happening), the Crazy Lesbian party, the Unions party, the Damn Dirty Hippie party, the Educated-but-not-Rich party, the Gay party, The-Matrix-is-Real party, Oprah's Book Club, the World of Warcraft party (internally divided between Alliance and Horde), the KISS Army, and the people who always write in "Your Mom."

Is that what we want? No, that would be fucking ridiculous. So instead, every four years, 60% of the population comes together in the spirit of... i don't know... obligation, and votes for whoever their church, union, or favorite fucking celebrity tells them to, because we're all fucking sheep (that's not to say that we're having intercourse with domestic livestock, but simply that we blindly follow others regardless of the consequences).

So anyway, way to be Israeli, and way to show us how true Democracy just proves that we all only give a shit about one thing: ourselves... and fucking sheep.

Afghans Vote United States as Worst Pest Control Service; Followed Closely by Soviet Russia and Terminix

New polls show that people in Afghanistan are increasingly feeling that their country is headed in the wrong direction. Public opinion is still in favor of the central government in Kabul and the presence of foreign troops, but both are steadily falling. Afghans are still strongly anti-Taleban and the majority believe that they are still the biggest danger.

Another poll that asked if the use of air strikes by US and other foreign forces was acceptable, showed that 77% felt they were unacceptable despite the results. Additional polling revealed that 67% feel they have not benefited from international aid.

How dare the Afghans be ungrateful! We showed up unannounced, bombed the living fuck out of anything of worth, installed a Ben Kingsley look-alike as president, left without fixing a goddamn thing... and oh yeah, then all the Taleban broke out of prison. We're still working on that last part. You know, I'm surprised these people are even willing to fucking talk to us.

Hell, the fucking commie pinkos at least made their intentions clear and kept most of the cities standing. Meanwhile we JDAMed the shit out of everything, and we still didn't finish the job. We left without solving the fucking problem because their neighbor down the street has something more valuable that we want. That shows commitment issues right there. We really need to work on that.

As a pest control service, we rate very poorly. Terminix, who I typically loathe to the ends of the Earth, aren't that bad. Sure they show up when it's convenient for them, despite what I tell them, and the exterminator usually steals some hand towels, but they do kill the bugs. What the United States has done would be like the exterminator showing up while your family is sleeping, wrecking all the furniture with a fire axe for no real reason, starting to gas the place and then leaving on a whim. On the way out he shot your dog. And then you get a phone call from head office apologizing and saying that its all on the house. Oh! And a week later he drives by and throws a live hornet's nest through your window and flips you the bird for good measure. That is how bad we fucked things up.

And despite all this, they're still in favor of our troops dicking around their barren wasteland of a country. That shows you just how fucking terrible things were before we got there.

Despite not being Christians, they showed us exactly how Jesus would react. So way to go America, by proxy, you've made Jesus start losing faith in you (this is the obvious conclusion). Do you know how hard that is to do? He still forgave everyone even after they tacked him to a fucking telephone pole to be left for dead and jabbed him in the kidney with a spear... and they did some other shit to him too, I don't know, it's in the bible somewhere.

Pirate/Rebels Release Arms Ship, Other Pirate/Rebels Thankful over Safe Delivery of Arms

Reports from Somalia state that the pirates who hijacked a Ukrainian cargo ship in September of this year have received their ransom and left the vessel. The ship and its crew of 20 was released after the pirates were paid a reported sum of $3.2M out of the $20M they had reportedly demanded. One of the pirate leaders talked with the AFP via phone and explained that "No huge amount has been paid, but something to cover our expenses," and that he was very happy with the result.

Meanwhile, the Kenyan government claims that the 33 upgraded T-72 battle tanks and various small arms, including assault rifles and RPGs, were theirs, however the manifest shows that they were headed for South Sudan. Kenya, who helped broker a peace for the Sudanese Civil War in 2005, would be embarrassed if it was learned that they were supplying arms to the Southern Sudanese rebels.

And the circle of life continues!

Sure, it's wonderful that the crew of the cargo ship was released, minus the Russian captain who conveniently died of a heart attack shortly after the pirates seized his ship, but isn't this all just bringing up more issues? And even better, it brings up the fact that nobody fucking gives a shit.

We can all agree that genocide is a bad thing. We've seen the fucking PSAs (because god forbid the average American reads once and a while). We can all agree that pirates are bad. But when you get in a situation where pirates seize weapons that are to be used for genocide: the obvious solution is to give the pirates what they fucking want so those tanks can be used to crush their enemies, see them driven before them, and hear the lamentation of their women... because that's what good little tanks are supposed to do.

Seriously, I don't know what the fuck could be done here, but I know when things are rotten. Fact is, we're actually fine with the killing continuing, because it means that some fat-cat douchebag makes money selling lonely old Cold War weaponry that was tragically never used to fuck up the European country-side until it resembled the moon. But hey, it's all good because... nope... can't really find a bright side to that one.

I don't even need to make any fucking jokes about this. The situation is humorous enough in a dark and tragic way. Insert your own fucking genocide joke here. Hell, I'll even get your started:
What do you get when you've got 2M Sudanese dead in a mass grave? _________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
Oh man, I bet it's fucking hilarious.

You know what? Fuck caring about shit. I'm gonna go play Call of Duty on Xbox Live and frag some NOOBs... and then probably get into an argument with a fifth-grader from Scotland about his mother. You've got to love globalization.

Liam Neeson Throat-Punches Paul Blart

The French action/thriller Taken has replaced Paul Blart: Mall Cop in the top-grossing film position this weekend, raking in $24.6M compared to Blart's $14M. Taken is co-written and produced by Luc Besson, writer and director of such films as: The Professional, La Femme Nikita, and The Fifth Element. He was also the writer and producer of the Transporter films. In Taken, Liam Neeson portrays a retired CIA agent who has to use his skills and cunning to track down his kidnapped teenage daughter.

Alright fine, Taken isn't all that original, but it doesn't fucking matter. Liam Neeson shows why little girls should listen to their goddamn fathers. See, his daughter doesn't know that while she was still in the womb, her daddy was strangling Nicaraguans with lamp cord, side-by-side with G. Gordon Liddy. So when daddy tells her to call her when her plane lands, he fucking means it.

Anyway, you've seen those shitty movie-ruining trailers. The spoiled little bitch gets kidnapped, big surprise. And that's when Liam Neeson snaps back into Jack Bauer Genocide mode and starts punching guys in the fucking throat. That seems to be his thing. Be it fist, pistol butt, or serving plate... they're all going right the fuck into the bad guys' throats.

This man wrecks France while getting his daughter back. It's been established by films like Ronin, the Transporter, and others that you can have a fucking firefight with machine guns and rockets in the middle of Paris and the French authorities are helpless little pussies who can't do a thing about it. This film follows in that great tradition. Liam Neeson doesn't just clear the fucking room of bad guys, he clears city blocks at a time. He walks in to a building full of criminals and ten seconds later their trachea have the consistency of caviar.

The movie is shit-your-pants fantastic. Does that scare you? It fucking should. It delivers exactly what it promises in the goddamn trailers; granted, it isn't Ron Pearlman as a viking, but everything can't be that epic. Go see it and God might not cast you to the fucking abyss for seeing Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

Oh by the way, we're not quite off fucking the hook for Blart yet. It looks like they might be making a sequel. You really think Columbia Pictures isn't going to make a sequel to a movie that only cost $25M and has made about $70M in its first three weeks? Even those dumbasses aren't retarded to that level. No, America has dug its own grave here.

I'd like to think this is the last time I'll be talking about a movie involving overweight mall cop on a Segway, but I know better than that. It's not just going to go away if we fucking ignore it. Jesus, it's like global warming all over again. We are fucked.