Oh Fuck, Ants!

Researchers have found that a single colony Argentine ants has colonized most of the world. This mega colony is possibly the largest of its type for known insect species, and may rival humans in terms of world domination.

Previously it was believed that Argentine ants belonged to localized colonies, however research shows that ants of specific colonies are actually inter-related and will get along with each other. Ants are typically very territorial, which leads scientists to believe that these ants are actually part of the same mega colony. "The enormous extent of this population is paralleled only by human society," one of the researchers stated.

Alright, we're fucked.

Maybe I was exaggerating with every other apocalyptic prediction, but this one has us bend over the fucking coffee table! Ants are fucking ruthless and, even better, they've already rivaled humans in terms of conquering the world. It's over. We're fucking done, people.

Have you ever done battle against an angry swarm of ants? They don't relent. One after another after another, trying to crawl all over you and bite you with their tiny mandibles. You can spray them with Raid, sure... but there's only so much Raid in the world and there's fucking billions of ants. And they're tricky little bastards too.

I had a personal experience with those arthropod fucks where they tried to annex my apartment. After months of fighting, when it seemed like I had wrenched control of the apartment out of their pincers, they struck me where I didn't expect it, my car! I was driving down the road when suddenly I noticed that dozens of ants had emerged from the dashboard and were crawling all over me. I took my attention from driving to swat at them in futility. As I did this, my car careened off the road and slammed into a shiny propane tank that then erupted into a massive fireball.

I won't talk your ear off about how I survived such a situation after three skin grafts and a two week coma, because what's important here is the ants. They're aggressive, unyielding, burrowing, biting little shits, and if we don't stop them now, where will it end? America? Earth? The Solar System? The Milky Way? Where will we finally make our stand?

So I say to you, humanity, fight back! Smash every anthill you see. Rivaling human domination of the planet? Fuck those sneaky little douche bags. We'll show them just how destructive humans can be when we put our minds to it... or don't... we're pretty destructive anyway.