Swine Flu Distracts from Real Threat: Swine Themselves

UK researchers have unraveled the genetics behind swine flu. England’s Health Protection Agency has shared the information with scientists working on a vaccine for the strain. While the United States’ Center for Disease Control has already made the genetic information on the swine flu publicly available, the National Institute for Biological Standards and Control has been working specifically to get the genetic information on the virus that has infected Europeans. It is hoped that this information will result in a vaccine soon.

You know, for the past month everybody has been so worried about this swine flu, but let me tell you, the flu isn’t that fucking dangerous. I get sick with this shit about once a year and all I have to fucking do is take some Claritin and the whole goddamn thing pretty much goes away. Sure every year it fucking kills a handful of geriatrics and infants, but seriously, what doesn’t kill them? You could fucking hit them with a wet noodle and have a decent chance of killing the fuckers on the spot. No, the reason this shit has been in the headlines isn’t because of how dangerous swine flu is, it’s because they fucking want us to worry.

The problem here isn’t the swine flu, it’s the fucking swine. Pigs of all types are scheming, shifty, power-hungry fuckers that stop at nothing while pursuing their bid for ultimate power. Have you ever read George Orwell’s Animal Farm, Fuck! it’s like the guy saw this coming from way off. Sure Orwell was using the animals as some sort of gay-assed metaphor for Russia’s Bolsheviks and Mensheviks, but did you see how evil those fucking pigs were? If anything, swine flu is just part of their overall scheme to crush the entire fucking world between their hooves.

Swine have always been a goddamn problem. The Jews knew not to keep the fuckers around back in biblical days, Muslims keep their distance, but unfortunately us fat-assed Americans just can’t get enough fucking bacon. We fucking put bacon on everything from ice cream to breakfast cereals (technically I haven’t heard of anyone putting bacon on their cereal, but some dumb fuck out there in a red state has to have done that). Our obsession with bacon, 9/11, the movie Babe, and swine flu are all playing right into their fucking plan; distracting us while the curly-tailed legions prepare their fucking master stroke.

In a few days we’ll all know the motherfucking truth. As pigs and hogs armed with high-caliber assault weapons come hobbling down our streets, pillaging our homes and fucking our woman, we’ll finally come to understand the real goddamn truth: it’s been the pigs all along. The greedy porkers will reshape the whole fucking planet to be a giant mud pit so that they can cool off during the summer (global-warming must have caused them to accelerate their plans). Humans will become their slaves, constantly forced to water piles of dirt and shit into mud for their fucking wallowing pleasure.

Sure there will be a human resistance, but we won’t have the fucking centuries of secret preparation that those fuckers did. It’ll be a hard struggle and I’m not sure that humanity has that fighting spirit that will be needed to depose our porcine overlords, but we’ll keep fighting the good fight until we have the Earth back in mammalian hands.