Birds can do Arithmetic, Public School Grads Jealous

Researchers from the Universities of Padova and Trento have demonstrated that chicks' have the ability to add and subtract the number of objects hidden behind screens. The study's author, Lucia Regolin, stated that the chicks used basic arithmetic to determine which screen hid the greater number of objects. The study's findings have been published in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B.

Once again, we're fucked. We've been outdone by our goo-shitting avian co-inhabitants. It was bound to happen someday. The problem is that birds already have a major advantage on us, they can fucking fly. They've just been sitting on there on the telephone wires, acting innocent and shitting on our cars for all these years, biding their time. We thought they were harmless, but now we know the truth. They can add! That means that when they're sitting on those lines, they're fucking counting... and on the day that the numbers finally add up right, they'll tear us the hell apart.

Alfred Hitchcock tried to warn us what could happen in his 1963 real-time documentary, but none of us fucking listened. No, we thought it was just another one of his weird-ass horror movies. Oh how foolish we were. And its all adding up now: birds doing arithmetic, Avian flu, Big Bird from Sesame Street feeding lies to our children... it all means one thing, imminent avian take-over.

My take: lets put our pride by the wayside and get them to the fucking negotiation table. Because seriously, we could probably take the feathered fuckers on (I mean, what doesn't kill birds? Windows, airplanes, pollution, birdshot... we're pretty set on ways to kill birds en masse), but the issue becomes 'do we want to?' Fuck no! We need to ally ourselves with the birds so that they can help us fight off the long-overdue ape and robot uprisings. Birds could give us that upper hand that we need to come out victorious in the upcoming fight for the fucking dominant species on Earth.

With birds on our side, nothing can stop us! And seriously, I mean, we'll stab them in the fucking back once we're done with them. Yeah, suck it you little winged bastards! What's the most dangerous animal?! It's man, motherfuckers!