Top Secret US Military Data Found on Thrift Shop MP3 Player: Another Homerun for Homeland Security

Chris Ogle, 29 of New Zealand, bought an MP3 player at an Oklahoma thrift shop and found files on it that contained information on U.S. Military personnel. The files listed the names and telephone numbers of US soldiers, along with other personal data such as social security numbers and mission briefings from Afghanistan. The United States has yet to make a comment on the incident.

For a moment I looked at this mess and said "yeah, I guess some information is going to get out." But then I took a step back and realized how fucking retarded that is.

How much of our money to do these fucking mental giants spend on national defense? We've got bombers that costs $2 billion a piece and bombs that cost hundreds of millions, but none of that shit matters if some fucking tourist from New Zealand finds some shit on his iPod that explains exactly where those fantastic wastes of money are going to be dropped in a confused attempt to frag some godforsaken Arab dirt farmers.

I think what troubles me the most is that Top Secret Military data is being stored in the same format I use to make my fucking grocery list. Compatibility doesn't matter when it's a motherfucking secret, you stupid fucks! The mere fact that this data can be put on an MP3 player is the fucking knife to the gut, but then the fact that it was left on there so that some Kiwi fuck could find it, that's the twist of the fucking knife while it's still in the gut.

You know what else? Apparently our Army officers are so fucking poor that they have to sell their MP3 players they store military secrets on to a fucking thrift shop. Jesus fucking Christ, these aren't the fucking grunts here; these are the college-educated ignorant cocksuckers who lead the grunts into fucking ambushes. You'd think these douchebags would be wasteful enough to just throw out old electronic garbage from Radioshack the way they throw out the lives of their fucking men, but no, not this time. This time, you fucked up GI shit-for-brains.

So if you're the brilliant fuck who left all that information on your MP3 player, save the goddamn terrorists and your own men the trouble and shove a fucking grenade up your ass.

Dung Beetle Evolves From Nature's Bitch to Predator, Humans Insist on Wasting Money on Movie About Obese Mall Cop

The dung beetle, once at the rear end of the food chain, has been filmed in Peru attacking and eating Millipedes more than ten times its own size.

Deltochilum valgum, one of the species commonly known as the dung beetle, typically feasts on fresh animal feces that they form into balls and roll with their hind legs, however it has been found that this particular species has completely given up dining on feces in favor of decapitating prey with their armored-hides and then feasting on their insides. This is the first time a dung beetle species has ever been recorded making such a transition.


We're being fucking laughed at here people. This type of dung beetle has just made the most fundamentally progressive move for its fucking species since its existence. This sort of an evolution is like going from being the booger-eating kid who gets swirlies every day to decapitating the school bully with a motherfucking katana and then ripping out and eating his raw heart, while the entire goddamn lunchroom watches in fucking awe. Deltochilum valgum was a "dung beetle" but is now a "badass motherfucker beetle."

This wasn't even something that was brought on by necessity. It's not like there wasn't enough shit around for these fuckers to eat. They woke up one day, said "fuck this!" and started taking the fucking head of any bugs that got in their way. Whatever the goddamn term you personally use now to describe something as being so fucking awesome you can't describe it (be it metal, tech, gonzo, whatever...), this is the fucking definition of it.

Meanwhile, we humans, the top of the fucking food-chain, keep consuming shit on unsustainable levels and think nothing of it. Far worse than that, Paul Blart: Mall Cop has been #1 at theaters for two weeks now, proving that people don't give a flying fuck about what movie they go see. "Oh, a fat mall cop guy on a segway, that looks like a fucking laugh-riot. Mall cops are a joke, segways are a joke, fat guys are funny as hell when they fall down. Fucking Gold!"

Well way to go America, expect more shit like Paul Blart, because you fucking asked for it. And even better, you just got schooled by the fucking dung beetle. Congratulations! Go fuck yourself.

Outlander, Enough Said

Okay, I'm going to take a slight break from yelling about the same kind of shit all the time.

Have you ever thought the story of Beowulf would be fucking awesome if Beowulf was a space marine who crash lands in 8th century Norway, and is followed by a badass space alien version of Grendel? If you think this sounds like a bad idea, you're a fucking moron and should swallow the business end of a shotgun just to keep your terrible judgment out of the goddamn gene pool.

Yes, this is the concept behind the film Outlander, which premiered tonight (err, last night... I'm writing this at 1:30am). Haven't heard of it? Of course you haven't. It hasn't been fucking advertised. I was told about the movie tonight, only a few hours before seeing it. I was hesitant to pay $10 at Loews to see it, but in hindsight, I should have been willing to pay upwards of $50 just to have to privilege of glimpsing its magnificence.

Listen... I could ruin every plot point and mention every fucking incredible scene, but I'll simply leave you with this: Ron Pearlman as a viking who dual-wields war hammers. If that isn't fucking good enough for you, take my advice and ventilate your fucking skull with buckshot.

Okay, maybe I'm overselling it, but it's at least worth $10 to go fucking see it. The six other people in the theater clearly agreed with me. Go see it, because it probably won't be in theaters for long since nobody fucking knows about it.

Or go see Paul Blart: Mall Cop and then, not to be repetitive but: 12 gauge... brain... wall.

US Priests Accused of Taking Money From Collection Plates: No Shit!

Two Roman Catholic priests from St. Vincent Ferrer Church in West Palm Beach have been accused of taking over $800,000 from their parishioners. Auditors believe that over $8m may have been taken over the last 20 years, however the statute of limitations prevents the priests from being charged with thefts from before 2001.

One of the priests, Father John Skehan, has plead guilty to the charges. He claims he spent the money on expensive houses and a gambling addiction. Police reports show $100,000 was used to pay the expenses of a lover (the church's book-keeper) and $300,000 was spent on rare coins.

Are you kidding?

Where the fuck did everyone think the money in the collection plate was going? Feeding those fucking pathetic orphans on TV? NO! It was going to the motherfucking priests. Jesus fucking Christ, how did people not know this? This isn't even new. Read about the middle-ages you stupid fucks. Priests steal your fucking money! They always have and they always will.

This is all because most people are too fucking stupid to realize that God suffered a goddamn series of crippling strokes when Urban II told everyone to go fucking kill Arabs in the name of Jesus. If that wasn't enough, God then died of a heart-attack when Pius IX had the balls to declare himself infallible. God is dead and fucking buried, read your Nietzsche.

All the church, specifically the Catholic church, has ever done was take your fucking money. You really believe that if you buy enough fucking prayer candles, your uncle's shitty-assed spirit gets to go to heaven? Really? That doesn't seem like a fucking scam to you?

You know what? I fucking applaud Father John Skehan and the other priest (I didn't care enough to find his name). Whereas most Catholic priests were anally raping the local CCD class, these two douche bags were at least doing something illegal that seems reasonable: wasting money that wasn't theirs. Hell, I rather have all my fucking penny donations wasted by some gambling-addicted thief of a priest instead of having him rape the shit out of my son.

...stupid fucks

Windows Worm Can Control Machines: It Begins!

The worm known as Downadup or Kido has infected an estimated 9.5 machines worldwide. It was originally discovered in October of '08, however experts state that the number of infected PCs appears to be peaking.

The worm works by embedding itself in the code of the "services.exe" file. It then creates a randomly named ".dll" file, modifies the computer's system registry and runs the file as a service. From there the worm creates a server and downloads material from the hacker's website. It uses a complicated algorithm to generate numerous fake web addresses to mask where the actual hacker's website is, making it difficult to track.

Experts believe that the worm could allow hackers to control all infected computers, if they wished to do so. The worm has yet to be used to gain access to the infected computers, but some believe that it simply has yet to be activated.

This is it, people. The machines have us right where they fucking want us. Those stupid motherfuckers at Microsoft finally managed to fuck up so bad that they just opened the door for the toasters to walk right the fuck in.

Serves us fucking right for letting Microsoft monopolize the living shit out of computers. Maybe it would seem all the more fucking reasonable if they made anything good, but they don't. They make shit. DOS was the last good product they ever fucking made. They half-ass it every fucking time, but we don't have any other choice. You ever try to get a printer to work on Linux? Fuck. You might as well shove your dick into a paper-shredder, because it causes a hell of a lot less pain.

And it's not like we thought Windows was a secure fucking operating system. We knew of our sins. Keeping windows safe from intrusion is like trying to stop a fucking tsunami with wall made of Swiss cheese and Elmer's glue. This is what we get for our bad deeds. This is the price of our sins. The time for repentance is fucking over. We're done, man. Game over.

You know it's funny, I always thought it would be Comcast working in conjunction with General Motors that would bring about the fucking end times. I don't know why the fuck I think that's funny. It's not like any of them make a decent fucking product. The good news is that if the goddamn robotic hunter-killers they send after us are anything like every other Microsoft creation, a third of them will shut the fuck down for no apparent reason.

So let me give you all a little advice while I load 7.62 full-metal-jacket NATO rounds into my M1A (you think those pussy-assed 5.56 M16 rounds are going to do anything to the toasters when they come for you?!): stock the fuck up on canned food. Barricade the fuck out of your doors and windows with magnets. Keep a Fido nearby (dogs can always tell who's human and who's a machine... look it up). And if anyone can bring me the head of Bill "All Four Horsemen in One" Gates I'll give you 1000 bottle caps. That's what we use for currency in the aftermath of the "Great Thinking Machine Uprising" as we will soon call it.

Good luck, you stupid fucks! I'll see you survivors when it's all over.

Murder Suspect Amanda Knox Proves Difference Between "Hot" and "Fuckable"

Amanda Knox, a student from Seattle, Washington, is accused of murdering fellow student Meredith Kercher, of England, on November 1st 2007. Both were living together in Perugia, Italy, as part of a student-exchange program.

Initially it was thought that Kercher was killed by a burglar, due to the door to her room being found locked and the presence of a smashed window. It is now believed that the break-in was staged.

Investigators believe that Knox slashed Kercher's throat while Knox's boyfriend, Raffaele Sollecito, held her down and while another man, Rudy Guede, raped her. It is also believed that the events were the consequences of a sex game that went awry.

Knox claims that her and Sollecito were alone in Sollecito's apartment during the time of the murder. This contradicts Knox's earlier statements. Knox's defense team claims that her memory was clouded because she had been smoking hashish that night.

Since the murder, Amanda Knox has received much publicity due to news media investigations into her Myspace page and videos she posted on Youtube. Blame has been focused on Knox's "party-girl" image as signs of instability, resulting in a backlash of scrutiny from online bloggers. Reports on the case typically mention Knox's "angel-faced" good looks, and some have dubbed her "Foxy Knoxy." Knox is now a well-known celebrity in Italy and has continued to post videos while in jail.

The issue here isn't that there was some kind of fucked up sex/rape game that resulted in a murder in Italy; that kind of shit has been happening since Rome was first founded by inbred gorillas. The real issue is that Amanda Knox isn't really all that fucking hot.

Granted, the girl is relatively thin and therefore fits into America's media-strangled version of beauty, but just look at her. To call her "hot" is an major fucking overstatement. Knox is on the average-above/average border at best.

Don't get me wrong here: given the chance, I would wreck that chick every-which-way. Her grandchildren would be feeling it. Add in there that she's apparently into some twisted/kinky shit and smoking hash and you've got a home fucking run. Plus, there's a good number of videos out there showing her staggering around drunk and pretty much ready to spread her bony little legs at the drop of a dime. But really, "Foxy Knoxy?" Fuck that, she ain't "Bag-over-the-face Knoxy," but she's certainly not much above "I'd-hit-that Knoxy."

This all just goes to prove that there's a huge fucking gap between "fuckable" and "hot." A girl does not need to be hot to be fuckable. This is what the entire concept of College drinking parties is based on. A mix of desperation and alcohol in just about any chick puts her deep into the "fuckable" category, while nowhere fucking near the "hot" category.

Media outlets, most run and operated on a male-centric view of the world, love Knox because she's fuckable. They have sperm, she has a vagina... oh shit?! I think those two might go together like... well like sperm and vaginas. She has that right combination of non-hideousness and get-ability so that you want to fuck her on the pool table between games of beer pong while watching the end of "Videodrome" in the background, but little else.

This is the same fucking reason why we now count on homosexuals (or as I prefer, but am tragically prohibited from saying anymore: "poofs") to pick out our goddamn models, because they are not swayed by how fuckable a girl is when determining her beauty. To them its all "she has nothing that could enlarge my rectum, but she's got the face and ass of a ten year old boy and thus... HOT." ...Now that I think about it, that doesn't make a goddamn bit of sense.

So to Amanda Knox, don't let any of this go to that unused-sponge you call a brain. Men fuck anything. They will fuck each other when there isn't a suitable pussy around (see entries on: the Navy). You are average. That means good enough to fuck, but not necessarily good enough to jack-off to. In those terms, a sperm-stained poster of Farah Fawcett will win out to you every fucking time. And that's really what fucking matters.

Airbus Ditches in River, Eyewitnesses Like Being on Camera

A US Airways Airbus A320 ditched in the Hudson River shortly after taking off from LaGuardia Airport. The aircraft was less than a minute into its flight bound for Charlotte, North Carolina, when the pilot reported a "double bird strike" and then safely crash landed the plane in the river. All 155 people on board are safe and accounted for.

The real news here is that every goddamn news agency realized that there was no fucking news here. So instead of spending time covering something else for christ's sake, they felt that we needed to hear what happened from observers who have no fucking training whatsoever in news, television, aeronautics, or even speaking the language that they eagerly skull-fuck every time they open their mouths.

The end result is a thousand fucking news blurbs featuring New Yorkers walking down the motherfucking street while saying brilliant things like: "We all look out the window and it's coming right into the water," or "I just saw the big splash when the plane... bounced like... like they landed it on the water." Oh shit! Why do we bother paying news reporters when we can have this all the fucking time?!

I'm not criticizing these New Yorkers; no, they could beat the living shit out of my insides until it resembled scrambled eggs. They just want to be on TV. In fact, fuck it, I'd like to be on TV too. We all can agree on that. But here's something else we can all fucking agree on: today a french-built airplane landed in the fucking Hudson River. I don't need ten different eyewitnesses telling me in their own down syndrome-rooted words that the plane landed in the motherfucking water to convince me of that, I can read the fucking headlines.

Maybe the press should get some goddamn experts. You know, the kind who wasted their lives becoming doctors in some obscure field and were virgins until they turned 30, just so they could be cited by the cock sucking press when something like this happens. Or, here's a fucking bright idea, maybe they could tell us about a "double bird strike" and why this doesn't happen all the fucking time since there's a million fucking birds flying around New York City shitting on my car.

Israelis and Palestinians Still Fighting: Big Fucking Surprise

According to BBC News, Israeli soldiers have advanced into the suburbs of Gaza City and are engaging in firefights with Hamas gunmen. This comes following upwards of 50 air strikes from Israeli warplanes and 25 mortar/rocket attacks into Israel from Hamas. Today is the 18th day since the fighting renewed. 971 people have been killed in Gaza and 13 Israelis have been killed.

And the news here is what? Some retards who believe they're the chosen people are fighting some other retards who basically believe the same thing but pretend they don't. Big fucking surprise (as I stated in the title), people are killing each other over differing beliefs.

You know, I'm not even going to go blaming religion for this whole mess. That's giving religion way too much fucking credit. This is retards being retarded and predictable. Hell, you know what? Even if we took the god element out of this, it's nothing new. A bunch of dumbasses all fighting over the same scrap of shitty land that they think is their fucking birthright. So really, you can take your pick: this killing can be about nationalism or religion. Hooray for freedom of choice, you fucking morons.

You have to give them credit though, these fuckers fight at the drop of a hat. George Bush, aka Dubya, aka the real slim shady, had to make up shit about Iraqis still having weapons we sold them in the 80s (when we were coked out of our fucking minds) just to knock over a country that we already fucking knocked over a decade earlier. Meanwhile these douchebags in the "holy land" clusterbomb the shit out of each other if someone throws a rock at their multimillion-dollar tank.

Here's my advice: buy into a better religion than one that has you fighting over a fucking desert. It worked for L. Ron Hubbard. According to Joseph Smith, the Garden of Eden was in Missouri; as goddamn backwards as that sounds, it makes more fucking sense than it being in a desert pockmarked with bomb craters with a constant overcast of white phosphorous.

I mean really, everything Jews have been through for the past... i don't know... 5,000 fucking years, and God rewards them with what? The shittiest place on Earth (take that Newark, NJ. Someone stole your slogan) that they have to keep fucking dying over just to keep. Great. Maybe after 5,000 more years of strife he'll give you a fucking $20 gift card to Pottery Barn.

It's a cruel world. Innocent people die because of what they believe, while the fuckfaces who made Bride Wars are allowed to continue breathing and making movies.

Fuckface... its a word. Look it up.