Holy Shit! Peter Weller Survives Horror Movie!

Let me start by saying that on 7/16, Comcast's on-screen guide listed Cinemax as playing Leviathan(2009) starring Kathleen LaGue and Doug Swander. It's a horror movie about a genetically engineered eel that terrorizes college students in the Florida Everglades. I tuned in expected to see drunken teenagers being chewed on by a mutant eel, but ended up with an entirely different animal altogether.

As usual, the people writing the on-screen listing for Comcast couldn't spend the time to double check their information (imdb is just too fucking long, three letters or less for urls people!). Leviathan is a horror movie from 1989 starring Peter Weller and Richard Crenna, granted it involves a deep-sea eel-like creature, and does not include Kathleen LaGue or Doug Swander. LaGue and Swander only worked together once on a movie in 2007 called Razortooth that's about, oh shit! college students attacked by an eel in Florida. So way to fuck up, on-screen listing guy.

So anyway, I decided on watching Peter Weller fighting off a sea creature for an hour and a half.

Ever watched Alien and thought, "Wow, this movie would be awesome if they just remade it," ? Well then you're fucking retarded. They've already done it a thousand times. Leviathan is a remake of Alien, and more blatant than usual. It follows a crew of underwater miners who find a scuttled Russian boat, the Leviathan, and bring back this constantly mutating monster with them. The "unique" thing about the movie is that the monster is ripped straight from John Carpenter's The Thing and inserted into a deep sea version of Alien. Done! I just described the whole fucking movie. The version you put together in your head is probably better than the actual movie.

I'm not saying Leviathan is a bad movie, its just fails to make any significant improvement on the movies its imitating. The movie has a surprisingly solid cast. Peter Weller is the captain, burdened with responsibilities. Richard Crenna is the veteran doctor. Ernie Hudson is the black guy. Hector Elizondo is... Hector Elizondo. And Daniel Stern is the miner who first wanders into the Russian boat, and is of course the first to die. There are some other people in the movie too: woman who dies, woman who survives (probably because she follows Sigourney Weaver's example and takes off her pants near the end of the movie), other guy who dies... you get the idea, there're people in it.

The most startling thing about this movie is that Peter Weller, the man who defined being ventilated by a shotgun in the opening of Robocop, actually fucking survives. Good for him. You know, the guy has been through his share of shit. He got turned into a cyborg in Robocop, fought of swarms of tiny robots in Screamers, and in Buckaroo Banzai... well I don't quite know what the fuck was going on in that one. The guy even hosts documentaries because he's a professor of Greek and Roman something or another. So I'm glad that Peter Weller got to survive a shitty knock off of Alien.

Don't worry Ernie Hudson, someday you'll survive too. Haha! I'm sorry, I couldn't keep serious while typing that.