Wind Powered Car can't Save You From SHIT!

Richard Jenkins, an engineer from Hampshire England, has created a wind-powered car called the Greenbird that has broken the land speed record for wind-powered vehicles. After 10 years of work, Jenkin's vehicle reached 126.1 mph on the dry plains of Ivanpah Lake, Nevada. The Greenbird is described as a "very high-performance sailboat" that uses a solid wing instead of a sail to generate the force it needs to reach high speeds.

This isn't going to fucking help us! A sailboat?! Really?! Are we back in 1492, trying to find a quick route to the East-Indies? No! Fuck that. This is a completely pointless advance for humanity that isn't going to fucking matter when the apocalypse comes for all of us. Our fastest "land sailboat" isn't going to do shit for us when being fucking chased by flesh-eating robots or vengeance craving apes.

Even worse, have you seen this Nicholas Cage garbage of a movie, Knowing? It's about a tweaked out dude with fucked up hair who figures out some gay code shit about disasters or something. I don't know... I wasn't fucking paying attention. I was more concerned with the fact that Nicholas Cage was given another goddamn movie role. In any case, the world is going to be burned to a fucking crisp by a sun flare or some shit like that. The special effects were cool enough to give us all another thing to fucking worry about. "What if the sun decides to fucking sneeze?!" Boom. We're all fucking crispy critters.

Of course, Nick Cage also shows us how to pick up a woman at a museum: have your kid hang out with her kid, talk to the mom about it, then tell her how her mother was a fucking prophet and how you need to talk to her about her traumatic upbringing because the fate of the whole goddamn fucking world depends on it. Oh wait, that's a fucking terrible idea. Way to go you Ghost Rider starring fuck!

So when planet-killer level sun flares start scorching the shit out of the surface of the Earth like a hair-dryer on crack, rest assured that Richard Jenkins will be able to outrun the rays of the sun at a record-breaking 120 mph for about two seconds before he's cooked like a fucking Hot Pocket in a stupid little sailboat. And we can all fucking laugh, until we too have a tender, flakey crust.

The Internet is Fucking Lame

There's no news here. The internet has always been this fucking lame. Even when it was impressive that you could type something into a computer in New York and have someone in Los Angeles read it, it was still lame as holy hell. For a while, all of the capabilities that kept appearing to make the internet seem so much more attractive could simply be countered with: "I can do that faster in person, you pasty fuck." Of course, we're far beyond that point. The internet is an important tool in the world of globalization... or something... I don't know. It's still fucking useless.

The really terrifying thing is these assholes of the younger fucking generations are far more integrated into the internet than the consumers of depends who first grew up with it. Remember how having an away message up on AIM was cool and edgy? Fuck, I don't really either. I guess at some point it may have seemed way deep to have song lyrics or a quote as an away message... and then we all graduated the fucking 10th grade. Thought that was the end of it? Fuck no! Now we've got Twitter... and Facebook... and live updates on cell phones. People can beam their every fucking action to you so that you have to pay attention. Oh shit, your steak wasn't served tender?! I'm going to write my fucking congressman about it!

I think the worse thing about it is that it shows us just how fucking lazy we all are. Nietzsche wrote that he thought commoners shouldn't know how to read and write because they'd flood the literary landscape with their fucking boring writings. Lucky for ol'Freddy, even when everyone is literate, they're still to fucking lazy to all write down their boring thoughts. Well that's changed now, motherfuckers! Thanks to texting and social networking, everyone can spread their shitty, inane thoughts. Now we can all see how clever everyone is by constantly reconstructing the statement "(Enter Your Name Here) is (Enter Action/Statement)." Fuck! It's like madlibs but with... wait no! It's just as fucking pathetic as madlibs.

Even worse, blog sites that masquerade as something useful. Listen, people will have blogs. Journals where they whine about shit, forums where they discuss politics; whatever, I don't give a fuck. It's your personal fucking soapbox. Has anyone heard of Guidespot.com? Of course not. It's a blog site where anyone can write a useful guide to anything. Fucking awesome. That's just what I need, advice from someone who isn't good enough to be paid for their fucking insight. Oh Wow! Now I can read some NYU dropout's instructions on "How to Love a New York Pervert." Or even better, a film school reject's list of "Movies that Will Seriously Mess with your Head"... because clearly this guy is the only one who's ever fucking dropped acid while watching Ingmar Bergman films.

And Youtube, possibly the redeemer of the internet as it provides us with retarded videos in bulk, it can also provide us with some of the lamest shit since the Da Vinci Code. Now every boring fuck can have their own talk show. Fantastic! It's just like watching Conan O'Brien, except... wait... it fucking never gets funny! Because clearly imitating something that's already been done to death is the fucking way to get noticed. And even better, thanks to Facebook and Twitter, I get updates to ever new episode. Sweet! Where the fuck is my gun? Because I need to drill some fucking tunnels through my goddamn neuro-receptors. I'll make it into a Youtube video!

Is the World This Fucked up or Do I Just Have a Brain Tumor?

After browsing through recent news articles in hopes of finding something worth raising my blood pressure over in an insane rant, I found that there's just too much going on right now that's so fucking absurd that I really don't even need to comment on how it's inevitably leading us one step closer to a Road Warrior-style, post-apocalyptic existence. But there are a few things that were just so bat-shit insane that I think I might actually be in some sort of coma induced dream.

Michael Jackson is back... why? What the hell. Hearing this was what initially made me think that I might have a brain tumor that's slowing eating away at my sanity. I mean... fuck dude, that's crazy. People still make jokes about how in the 60s the idea of Ronald fucking Reagan becoming president was ridiculous (because god forbid I go a day without someone quoting Back to the Future)... but, if someone in '83 had a prophetic vision of Michael Jackson as the freak he is today, they'd fucking stroke-out on the spot. The fucking tickets are already sold out... of course.

Kenneth Branagh is directing the film adaptation of the comic series Thor. Finally! Someone is fucking listening to me. When I was watching Branagh's shitty-assed screen version of Shakespeare's As You Like It, I was thinking "holy fucking god, this is the same direction that a Thor movie could use!"
...And the tumor grew.

An article entitled "Supermodel Satellite Set to Fly" boosted my hopes that media-leach Tyra Banks was being shot into space, as I advised President Obama to take such action in the opening days of his administration. It turns out that the thing is just a really fancy-assed satellite to measure gravity or some other gay shit. It's been called "beautiful looking," hence calling it a fucking supermodel. Way to get my already dashed hopes up, BBC News.
...Blood vessels popped.

The Snuggie... the blanket with sleeves. Because a normal blanket is just too goddamn uncomfortable! Commercials for this atrocity caused my fucking ears to start shooting out blood in a Monty-Python kind of way...

...And just as the pressure became way too fucking much, as tumors that look suspiciously like General Tso's Chicken were moments from bursting out from beneath my skull and cracking it like it was made from fucking paper mache, I saw this picture...

...and then I remembered: no it's not just me, humanity is this fucking crazy; and the pain went away. God bless you Jesus, you hooker loving fuck.

Apes Plan Ahead for Imminent Take-Over

Researchers have found that Santino, a chimpanzee at the Furuvik Zoo in Sweden, deliberately planned and executed rock throwing attacks on zoo visitors. The findings, as reported in Current Biology, show that the chimp calmly collected rocks and stone in the morning hours before the zoo opened so that he could later throw them in agitated displays of dominance. Santino also learned to find weak spots in the concrete "boulders" that were in his enclosure, as the weakened points would make a hollow sound when he tapped on them. The weak spots would then be hit until they small pieces detached, which he would then add to his stockpiles.

Dr. Mathias Osvath of Lund University in Sweden, author of the research, believes that Santino's actions definitively show that chimpanzees do plan for future needs. Proof of such planning has never been observed before. He states that this illustrates the so-called autonoetic consciousness. Roughly it means that information from memory can be distinguished from that of the senses. Dr. Osvath has been studying Santino since the first discovery of the stone caches in 1997.

So what shit is scarier: That apes can plan for their inevitable conquest of our planet, or that it took a scientist a whole fucking decade to figure out that chimps can plan to throw rocks at us? How the fuck did this guy get his PHD? Meticulously watching monkeys build towers out of their own shit? For fucks sake, this makes makes me wish I was a goddamn creationist.

But what does this really mean? It means we should stop fucking around with apes. They can plan, so its not a huge fucking leap to think they can feel humiliation too. Eventually, these goofy looking bastards are going to get tired of us putting them in terrible movies with second-rate celebrities. Is the humor that comes from watching Clint Eastwood teamed up with an Orangutan worth a possible ape uprising? Malk Wahlberg will tell you, those fuckers are strong!

I, for one, don't believe we should be risking this shit. Have you seen Conquest of the Planet of the Apes? It's like a documentary about how they'll take us over. Guns can't do shit. We're so practiced and efficient at killing people, could we really fight off an overwhelming army of apes? Probably not, in my opinion.

Of course, this isn't America's fucking problem. Clearly the apes know how to bide their hairy-assed time. They know that America is on the fucking decline and that China is the new big boy on the block. If they can store stones for throwing at douche bag tourists later, they can wait until China comes up with sub-prime mortgages and fucking tank their economy just like the good old U.S. of A. That's when the apes will decide to strike with their massive ape strength and sticks and stones, crushing our bones like so many... I don't know, whatever apes normally crush. We'll be helpless against their simian onslaught.

But as I said, this is for the Chinese to fucking worry about. And when they ask America for help, we'll just fucking laugh at them, because... well, because we're jerks. Red White and Blue, motherfuckers!

Confusion and Panic Grip Economy, Cardboard Box Real Estate Doubles in Value

The jobless rate in the United States jumped to 8.1% in February. Over 650,000 people lost their jobs. 12.5M Americans are now without jobs. The country's GDP is now shrinking at an annual rate of 3.8%.

Somewhere along the line, we fucked shit up. Now I'm not going to go looking for someone to blame for this. We've got enough whiny-bitches on the TV doing that already. People are saying things like "we saw this coming long ago" and "the bottom had to fall out eventually"... well fuck that. And everybody douchebag on the news is coming up with some stroke-addled analogy to explain this all to us, because nobody seems to be able to fucking grasp what the economy really is. The economy is like playing Jenga, and now we're at the end of the game with no pieces left to remove... NO! Shut the fuck up!

The real problem is, there's too much in this modern age that we don't truly fucking understand. The internet: interconnected networks of wires that transfer information to servers that can be access by home computers via modems? Fuck no! I call witchcraft on that motherfucker. Cell phones: portable radios that digitally send data to localized towers that then transmit to a larger network? That makes less sense than shitting in a bathtub. Sorcery I say! Automobiles: carriages propelled by the internal combustion engine? Blasphemy! More like magically mechanical beasts that we constantly have to feed and pray to, to get us where we fucking want to go. I mean, are we really dumb enough to believe that airplanes can fly based on the fucking shape of their wings? That ain't how birds do it, so it's another fucking lie!

No. We don't understand a fucking thing about the world we live in. I don't even know how the fuck I write this crap. Am I using a Firefox to blog my Windows? Is my mouse plugged into the MP3 or the Wikipedia? What the fuck is a QWERTY? does it hurt? These are questions that the greatest sages of old can't fucking answer. In their day you went up a mountain as a young man to get answers and by the time you got back, you were a senile old fuck. That was their version of Googling shit, and you know what? It seemed to work just fine for those fucks. Granted, you lived to be 35 and the child mortality rate was 2/3, but people understood how and why. The answer: magic.

So what am I fucking whining about? Shit. I don't even know anymore. Why are we complaining about shit? Right, the economy. Listen, if 20th-level Grand Master Sorcerer Alan Greenspan couldn't figure this shit out, why the fuck are we even trying to dumb it down for the average Wal-Martian? Here's all you need to know: If you have a job: good for you, keep it. If you don't: you're fucked, go starve somewhere out of the way. Other than that shit, business as fucking usual: American Idol, MacDonalds, and Starbucks. GoooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Reagan!