Wind Powered Car can't Save You From SHIT!

Richard Jenkins, an engineer from Hampshire England, has created a wind-powered car called the Greenbird that has broken the land speed record for wind-powered vehicles. After 10 years of work, Jenkin's vehicle reached 126.1 mph on the dry plains of Ivanpah Lake, Nevada. The Greenbird is described as a "very high-performance sailboat" that uses a solid wing instead of a sail to generate the force it needs to reach high speeds.

This isn't going to fucking help us! A sailboat?! Really?! Are we back in 1492, trying to find a quick route to the East-Indies? No! Fuck that. This is a completely pointless advance for humanity that isn't going to fucking matter when the apocalypse comes for all of us. Our fastest "land sailboat" isn't going to do shit for us when being fucking chased by flesh-eating robots or vengeance craving apes.

Even worse, have you seen this Nicholas Cage garbage of a movie, Knowing? It's about a tweaked out dude with fucked up hair who figures out some gay code shit about disasters or something. I don't know... I wasn't fucking paying attention. I was more concerned with the fact that Nicholas Cage was given another goddamn movie role. In any case, the world is going to be burned to a fucking crisp by a sun flare or some shit like that. The special effects were cool enough to give us all another thing to fucking worry about. "What if the sun decides to fucking sneeze?!" Boom. We're all fucking crispy critters.

Of course, Nick Cage also shows us how to pick up a woman at a museum: have your kid hang out with her kid, talk to the mom about it, then tell her how her mother was a fucking prophet and how you need to talk to her about her traumatic upbringing because the fate of the whole goddamn fucking world depends on it. Oh wait, that's a fucking terrible idea. Way to go you Ghost Rider starring fuck!

So when planet-killer level sun flares start scorching the shit out of the surface of the Earth like a hair-dryer on crack, rest assured that Richard Jenkins will be able to outrun the rays of the sun at a record-breaking 120 mph for about two seconds before he's cooked like a fucking Hot Pocket in a stupid little sailboat. And we can all fucking laugh, until we too have a tender, flakey crust.