Is the World This Fucked up or Do I Just Have a Brain Tumor?

After browsing through recent news articles in hopes of finding something worth raising my blood pressure over in an insane rant, I found that there's just too much going on right now that's so fucking absurd that I really don't even need to comment on how it's inevitably leading us one step closer to a Road Warrior-style, post-apocalyptic existence. But there are a few things that were just so bat-shit insane that I think I might actually be in some sort of coma induced dream.

Michael Jackson is back... why? What the hell. Hearing this was what initially made me think that I might have a brain tumor that's slowing eating away at my sanity. I mean... fuck dude, that's crazy. People still make jokes about how in the 60s the idea of Ronald fucking Reagan becoming president was ridiculous (because god forbid I go a day without someone quoting Back to the Future)... but, if someone in '83 had a prophetic vision of Michael Jackson as the freak he is today, they'd fucking stroke-out on the spot. The fucking tickets are already sold out... of course.

Kenneth Branagh is directing the film adaptation of the comic series Thor. Finally! Someone is fucking listening to me. When I was watching Branagh's shitty-assed screen version of Shakespeare's As You Like It, I was thinking "holy fucking god, this is the same direction that a Thor movie could use!"
...And the tumor grew.

An article entitled "Supermodel Satellite Set to Fly" boosted my hopes that media-leach Tyra Banks was being shot into space, as I advised President Obama to take such action in the opening days of his administration. It turns out that the thing is just a really fancy-assed satellite to measure gravity or some other gay shit. It's been called "beautiful looking," hence calling it a fucking supermodel. Way to get my already dashed hopes up, BBC News.
...Blood vessels popped.

The Snuggie... the blanket with sleeves. Because a normal blanket is just too goddamn uncomfortable! Commercials for this atrocity caused my fucking ears to start shooting out blood in a Monty-Python kind of way...

...And just as the pressure became way too fucking much, as tumors that look suspiciously like General Tso's Chicken were moments from bursting out from beneath my skull and cracking it like it was made from fucking paper mache, I saw this picture...

...and then I remembered: no it's not just me, humanity is this fucking crazy; and the pain went away. God bless you Jesus, you hooker loving fuck.