Liam Neeson Throat-Punches Paul Blart

The French action/thriller Taken has replaced Paul Blart: Mall Cop in the top-grossing film position this weekend, raking in $24.6M compared to Blart's $14M. Taken is co-written and produced by Luc Besson, writer and director of such films as: The Professional, La Femme Nikita, and The Fifth Element. He was also the writer and producer of the Transporter films. In Taken, Liam Neeson portrays a retired CIA agent who has to use his skills and cunning to track down his kidnapped teenage daughter.

Alright fine, Taken isn't all that original, but it doesn't fucking matter. Liam Neeson shows why little girls should listen to their goddamn fathers. See, his daughter doesn't know that while she was still in the womb, her daddy was strangling Nicaraguans with lamp cord, side-by-side with G. Gordon Liddy. So when daddy tells her to call her when her plane lands, he fucking means it.

Anyway, you've seen those shitty movie-ruining trailers. The spoiled little bitch gets kidnapped, big surprise. And that's when Liam Neeson snaps back into Jack Bauer Genocide mode and starts punching guys in the fucking throat. That seems to be his thing. Be it fist, pistol butt, or serving plate... they're all going right the fuck into the bad guys' throats.

This man wrecks France while getting his daughter back. It's been established by films like Ronin, the Transporter, and others that you can have a fucking firefight with machine guns and rockets in the middle of Paris and the French authorities are helpless little pussies who can't do a thing about it. This film follows in that great tradition. Liam Neeson doesn't just clear the fucking room of bad guys, he clears city blocks at a time. He walks in to a building full of criminals and ten seconds later their trachea have the consistency of caviar.

The movie is shit-your-pants fantastic. Does that scare you? It fucking should. It delivers exactly what it promises in the goddamn trailers; granted, it isn't Ron Pearlman as a viking, but everything can't be that epic. Go see it and God might not cast you to the fucking abyss for seeing Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

Oh by the way, we're not quite off fucking the hook for Blart yet. It looks like they might be making a sequel. You really think Columbia Pictures isn't going to make a sequel to a movie that only cost $25M and has made about $70M in its first three weeks? Even those dumbasses aren't retarded to that level. No, America has dug its own grave here.

I'd like to think this is the last time I'll be talking about a movie involving overweight mall cop on a Segway, but I know better than that. It's not just going to go away if we fucking ignore it. Jesus, it's like global warming all over again. We are fucked.