Windows Worm Can Control Machines: It Begins!

The worm known as Downadup or Kido has infected an estimated 9.5 machines worldwide. It was originally discovered in October of '08, however experts state that the number of infected PCs appears to be peaking.

The worm works by embedding itself in the code of the "services.exe" file. It then creates a randomly named ".dll" file, modifies the computer's system registry and runs the file as a service. From there the worm creates a server and downloads material from the hacker's website. It uses a complicated algorithm to generate numerous fake web addresses to mask where the actual hacker's website is, making it difficult to track.

Experts believe that the worm could allow hackers to control all infected computers, if they wished to do so. The worm has yet to be used to gain access to the infected computers, but some believe that it simply has yet to be activated.

This is it, people. The machines have us right where they fucking want us. Those stupid motherfuckers at Microsoft finally managed to fuck up so bad that they just opened the door for the toasters to walk right the fuck in.

Serves us fucking right for letting Microsoft monopolize the living shit out of computers. Maybe it would seem all the more fucking reasonable if they made anything good, but they don't. They make shit. DOS was the last good product they ever fucking made. They half-ass it every fucking time, but we don't have any other choice. You ever try to get a printer to work on Linux? Fuck. You might as well shove your dick into a paper-shredder, because it causes a hell of a lot less pain.

And it's not like we thought Windows was a secure fucking operating system. We knew of our sins. Keeping windows safe from intrusion is like trying to stop a fucking tsunami with wall made of Swiss cheese and Elmer's glue. This is what we get for our bad deeds. This is the price of our sins. The time for repentance is fucking over. We're done, man. Game over.

You know it's funny, I always thought it would be Comcast working in conjunction with General Motors that would bring about the fucking end times. I don't know why the fuck I think that's funny. It's not like any of them make a decent fucking product. The good news is that if the goddamn robotic hunter-killers they send after us are anything like every other Microsoft creation, a third of them will shut the fuck down for no apparent reason.

So let me give you all a little advice while I load 7.62 full-metal-jacket NATO rounds into my M1A (you think those pussy-assed 5.56 M16 rounds are going to do anything to the toasters when they come for you?!): stock the fuck up on canned food. Barricade the fuck out of your doors and windows with magnets. Keep a Fido nearby (dogs can always tell who's human and who's a machine... look it up). And if anyone can bring me the head of Bill "All Four Horsemen in One" Gates I'll give you 1000 bottle caps. That's what we use for currency in the aftermath of the "Great Thinking Machine Uprising" as we will soon call it.

Good luck, you stupid fucks! I'll see you survivors when it's all over.