Sri Lankan Rebels Defeated, American's Learn of Existence of Sri Lanka

Sri Lankan president Mahinda Rajapakse has announced a military victory over the rebel faction known as the Tamil Tigers or the LTTE. The Tamil Tigers have been waging a violent war of independence against Sri Lanka for the last 26 years and have been accused of a number of atrocities such as ethnic cleansing and assassination. Sri Lanka’s army made a major breakthrough on Saturday, May 16th, by capturing the last remaining part of the coastline still held by the Tigers. The army reports that the Tigers have set fire to their last stockpiles of ammunition; however there has been no independent confirmation of this action. It is estimated that more than 80,000 people have died during the conflict.

Wow, a 26 year long war. That’s one for the history books. Oh wait! Nobody fucking knows where Sri Lanka is, and they certainly didn’t know that there was a fucking civil war going on. Here’s the other problem, they probably don’t fucking care!

Sri Lanka doesn't have 1. Oil, 2. Nukes, 3. White People, and 4. They're socialists; so America and the Western world just don't give a fuck about them (although our government cared enough to list the Tamil Tigers as a terrorist organization). Hooray for capitalism and its vast umbrella of useful countries! Sri Lanka just doesn't have all those oh-so-fucking helpful customer service call-centers that India has. There also hasn't been a movie like Slumdog Millionare for Sri Lanka, to get Americans to pay attention to how ass-backwards the fucking place is. So as a result, Sri Lanka is a footnote in history books that gets fucking shoved into the chapter about India.

These guys have been struggling for independence for three times longer than the US was in that shit-hole Vietnam. No matter how you look at these Tamil Tiger "terrorist" fucks, that's motherfucking dedication. It's not like they could even watch the goddamn BBC and learn what people think about them, or have Hanoi Jane come over and man one of their anti-aircraft guns as a publicity stunt. These guys were the real-fucking-McCoy of freedom fighters. Sure they may have ethnically cleansed a few places and committed a handful of atrocities, but what army fucking hasn't? Seriously!

No, these fucks fought and died their way out of existence because they believed that the Tamil minority was being fucked over by the Sinhalese ruled-government (Oh shit, I did some actual research!). They wanted their own fucking state. Granted, I'm not saying one group of these guys was better than the other, they'd probably all just as soon die with their hands wrapped around each others' throats, but these Tamil separatists died fighting in fucking obscurity. They did everything they could to win, and when they fucking couldn't, they still fought and died. That's hardcore! Serious hardcore motherfucking metal!

There won't be a Call of Duty: Tamil Eelam, we won't see Battlefield: Sri Lanka being played on the fucking Military Channel. Fuck no! Apparently we don't fucking care. We'd rather watch Band of Brothers for the umpteenth time and go play the video games about the only war we feel confident supporting: the WWII; because we won and defeated the ultimate cliche bad guys: the Nazis.

So fuck all that, we've got to get on with our mundane fucking lives. And to all those people dying for what they believe in half way across the fucking planet: America doesn't give a fuck... unless you'll work in sweatshops making the next-generation of running shoe. Then we'll know you exist, but still won't give a fuck about you!

You know what, hell, keep on fighting, because maybe someday an anti-authority teen will read about your plight and write a punk song about it... and a small percentage of us will listen to it... and an even smaller percentage will care. But fuck dude, at least you cared about something enough to die for it.

Fucking metal, man!

Swine Flu Distracts from Real Threat: Swine Themselves

UK researchers have unraveled the genetics behind swine flu. England’s Health Protection Agency has shared the information with scientists working on a vaccine for the strain. While the United States’ Center for Disease Control has already made the genetic information on the swine flu publicly available, the National Institute for Biological Standards and Control has been working specifically to get the genetic information on the virus that has infected Europeans. It is hoped that this information will result in a vaccine soon.

You know, for the past month everybody has been so worried about this swine flu, but let me tell you, the flu isn’t that fucking dangerous. I get sick with this shit about once a year and all I have to fucking do is take some Claritin and the whole goddamn thing pretty much goes away. Sure every year it fucking kills a handful of geriatrics and infants, but seriously, what doesn’t kill them? You could fucking hit them with a wet noodle and have a decent chance of killing the fuckers on the spot. No, the reason this shit has been in the headlines isn’t because of how dangerous swine flu is, it’s because they fucking want us to worry.

The problem here isn’t the swine flu, it’s the fucking swine. Pigs of all types are scheming, shifty, power-hungry fuckers that stop at nothing while pursuing their bid for ultimate power. Have you ever read George Orwell’s Animal Farm, Fuck! it’s like the guy saw this coming from way off. Sure Orwell was using the animals as some sort of gay-assed metaphor for Russia’s Bolsheviks and Mensheviks, but did you see how evil those fucking pigs were? If anything, swine flu is just part of their overall scheme to crush the entire fucking world between their hooves.

Swine have always been a goddamn problem. The Jews knew not to keep the fuckers around back in biblical days, Muslims keep their distance, but unfortunately us fat-assed Americans just can’t get enough fucking bacon. We fucking put bacon on everything from ice cream to breakfast cereals (technically I haven’t heard of anyone putting bacon on their cereal, but some dumb fuck out there in a red state has to have done that). Our obsession with bacon, 9/11, the movie Babe, and swine flu are all playing right into their fucking plan; distracting us while the curly-tailed legions prepare their fucking master stroke.

In a few days we’ll all know the motherfucking truth. As pigs and hogs armed with high-caliber assault weapons come hobbling down our streets, pillaging our homes and fucking our woman, we’ll finally come to understand the real goddamn truth: it’s been the pigs all along. The greedy porkers will reshape the whole fucking planet to be a giant mud pit so that they can cool off during the summer (global-warming must have caused them to accelerate their plans). Humans will become their slaves, constantly forced to water piles of dirt and shit into mud for their fucking wallowing pleasure.

Sure there will be a human resistance, but we won’t have the fucking centuries of secret preparation that those fuckers did. It’ll be a hard struggle and I’m not sure that humanity has that fighting spirit that will be needed to depose our porcine overlords, but we’ll keep fighting the good fight until we have the Earth back in mammalian hands.