Biggest Threat to US, Lack of Blog Readers

Seriously, who doesn't have a blog?

...that's about all I have. I mean, who reads this crap? We can all formulate our own badly worded opinions. Fuck all that. It's a bunch of Jerry Seinfeld "have you ever noticed..." kind of faggot crap. And that's not meant to be offensive to the faggots. They've got their own thing going own, good for them. Meanwhile everyone's all like "what's the deal with this?" No. Go back to 1995.

Basterds

Oh Fuck, Ants!

Researchers have found that a single colony Argentine ants has colonized most of the world. This mega colony is possibly the largest of its type for known insect species, and may rival humans in terms of world domination.

Previously it was believed that Argentine ants belonged to localized colonies, however research shows that ants of specific colonies are actually inter-related and will get along with each other. Ants are typically very territorial, which leads scientists to believe that these ants are actually part of the same mega colony. "The enormous extent of this population is paralleled only by human society," one of the researchers stated.

Alright, we're fucked.

Maybe I was exaggerating with every other apocalyptic prediction, but this one has us bend over the fucking coffee table! Ants are fucking ruthless and, even better, they've already rivaled humans in terms of conquering the world. It's over. We're fucking done, people.

Have you ever done battle against an angry swarm of ants? They don't relent. One after another after another, trying to crawl all over you and bite you with their tiny mandibles. You can spray them with Raid, sure... but there's only so much Raid in the world and there's fucking billions of ants. And they're tricky little bastards too.

I had a personal experience with those arthropod fucks where they tried to annex my apartment. After months of fighting, when it seemed like I had wrenched control of the apartment out of their pincers, they struck me where I didn't expect it, my car! I was driving down the road when suddenly I noticed that dozens of ants had emerged from the dashboard and were crawling all over me. I took my attention from driving to swat at them in futility. As I did this, my car careened off the road and slammed into a shiny propane tank that then erupted into a massive fireball.

I won't talk your ear off about how I survived such a situation after three skin grafts and a two week coma, because what's important here is the ants. They're aggressive, unyielding, burrowing, biting little shits, and if we don't stop them now, where will it end? America? Earth? The Solar System? The Milky Way? Where will we finally make our stand?

So I say to you, humanity, fight back! Smash every anthill you see. Rivaling human domination of the planet? Fuck those sneaky little douche bags. We'll show them just how destructive humans can be when we put our minds to it... or don't... we're pretty destructive anyway.

Let's Grow Up

You know, I've had a lot of time to reflect on the world and I've decided that everything isn't out to get us. How many times has humanity thought that existence was about to begin its final act? Whether it be some sort of natural event, a religious end of days, aliens, disease, zombies,... religion again, its just not that likely to occur. It would take a catastrophe of enormous magnitude to wipe us all out.

So as much as I might have gotten on here and said "this is going to kill us" or "this is the new threat," such ravings are just silly. Birds aren't going to peck our eyes out. Pigs aren't going to overthrow our government. Robots... well robots may kill us all someday, who knows, but it's not going to be in the foreseeable future.

Maybe this is a real turning point for me. Instead of worrying about ridiculous things that I cannot control, maybe I should be worried more about my life and the lives of those around me. Because in the end, there's randomness and then there's your will. And now, I think my will to exist is stronger than my belief in nonsense conspiracy/apocalyptic theories.

So thanks for reading.

Holy Shit! Peter Weller Survives Horror Movie!

Let me start by saying that on 7/16, Comcast's on-screen guide listed Cinemax as playing Leviathan(2009) starring Kathleen LaGue and Doug Swander. It's a horror movie about a genetically engineered eel that terrorizes college students in the Florida Everglades. I tuned in expected to see drunken teenagers being chewed on by a mutant eel, but ended up with an entirely different animal altogether.

As usual, the people writing the on-screen listing for Comcast couldn't spend the time to double check their information (imdb is just too fucking long, three letters or less for urls people!). Leviathan is a horror movie from 1989 starring Peter Weller and Richard Crenna, granted it involves a deep-sea eel-like creature, and does not include Kathleen LaGue or Doug Swander. LaGue and Swander only worked together once on a movie in 2007 called Razortooth that's about, oh shit! college students attacked by an eel in Florida. So way to fuck up, on-screen listing guy.

So anyway, I decided on watching Peter Weller fighting off a sea creature for an hour and a half.

Ever watched Alien and thought, "Wow, this movie would be awesome if they just remade it," ? Well then you're fucking retarded. They've already done it a thousand times. Leviathan is a remake of Alien, and more blatant than usual. It follows a crew of underwater miners who find a scuttled Russian boat, the Leviathan, and bring back this constantly mutating monster with them. The "unique" thing about the movie is that the monster is ripped straight from John Carpenter's The Thing and inserted into a deep sea version of Alien. Done! I just described the whole fucking movie. The version you put together in your head is probably better than the actual movie.

I'm not saying Leviathan is a bad movie, its just fails to make any significant improvement on the movies its imitating. The movie has a surprisingly solid cast. Peter Weller is the captain, burdened with responsibilities. Richard Crenna is the veteran doctor. Ernie Hudson is the black guy. Hector Elizondo is... Hector Elizondo. And Daniel Stern is the miner who first wanders into the Russian boat, and is of course the first to die. There are some other people in the movie too: woman who dies, woman who survives (probably because she follows Sigourney Weaver's example and takes off her pants near the end of the movie), other guy who dies... you get the idea, there're people in it.

The most startling thing about this movie is that Peter Weller, the man who defined being ventilated by a shotgun in the opening of Robocop, actually fucking survives. Good for him. You know, the guy has been through his share of shit. He got turned into a cyborg in Robocop, fought of swarms of tiny robots in Screamers, and in Buckaroo Banzai... well I don't quite know what the fuck was going on in that one. The guy even hosts documentaries because he's a professor of Greek and Roman something or another. So I'm glad that Peter Weller got to survive a shitty knock off of Alien.

Don't worry Ernie Hudson, someday you'll survive too. Haha! I'm sorry, I couldn't keep serious while typing that.

Twitter Followers For Sale Drives Me to Madness

Australian marketing company uSocial now offers a paid service that finds followers for an individuals' Twitter feed. USocial features followers in blocks of anywhere between 1,000 and 100,000 users. The service does not pay followers, but simply finds potential followers by searching Twitter and finding what individual users are interested in. It then categorizes users and sends them messages about users that they might be interested in following.

Twitter started as a way for friends to update each other about their activities and status. Recently, as Twitter has grown in users and popularity, businesses and marketers have been targeting Twitter as a potential marketing medium. Many companies are building up as many followers as possible in hopes of monetizing them in the future. Despite Twitter becoming the newest channel for viral marketing, it appears that people have yet to start leaving it for the next big thing.

This definitively proves that there is no god. If there were a god, he would look down at his creation right now and say, "What the holy fuck is this gay shit about? Where did I go wrong?" and then BAM! Rapture time. But seeing as the faithful inbred-mutants from America's heartland haven't started disappearing, I'm sticking with the whole "god is dead" thing.

At first, it amazed me that a social networking site that inundates one with retarded updates from ones' retarded internet contacts could ever be seen as anything other than an annoyance. Now, I just don't know what to fucking say about it. Twitter is popular--this blog... not so much. Maybe I should go pay to have people follow my every fucking word. Perhaps I could then spread my poorly thought-out anger over upcoming apocalyptic events, movies, and other crap that I write about.

I feel this sort of disgust with new trends and the status-quo is what leads one to become a Blofeldian super-villain. Maybe in several years I'll be creating an intricate plan to destroy all social networking sites using a satellite-based laser beam, maniacal laughter, and a seemingly unstoppable sidekick portrayed by a foreign actor who nobody has ever heard of. Oh fuck!... maybe I could use Twitter to recruit an army of inept henchmen. This shit just gets better all the time!

Iraqi Karate Coach Shot by Insurgents, Star Pupil Plans Vengeance at Insurgent Karate Tournament

Iraqi Olympic karate coach Izzat Abdullah was shot dead by gunmen this Friday in the city of Mosul. While it is not known exactly why Abdullah was targeted, insurgents regularly targeted athletes and trainers during the height of the Iraqi insurgency. Mr Abdullah, 45, was a former karate champion who moved from Baghdad to Mosul after the fall of Saddam Hussein's regime in 2003.

Meanwhile, Abdullah's best student, known only by his nickname The Kid, is training harder than ever to avenge his master's murder at the Insurgent Karate Tournament later next month. Reports indicate that Mr Abdullah was like a father to The Kid, and that he has taken the shooting harder than anyone else. "He stayed alone in his dojo all weekend," said The Kid's on-again-off-again girlfriend, "Then after dinner last night, he went out into the rain, dropped to his knees, and cried out about how he will avenge his master's honor. I thought it was kind of gay."

According to another of Abdullah's students, The Kid has started an intense training regime so that he's in peak shape at the Tournament. "He keeps running around shadow-boxing, chopping lumber, digging ditches... all while listening to 80's music: mostly Kenny Loggins, but I heard some Phil Collins a few times."

Reports show that The Kid is an orphan of the first Gulf War, who's parents were adamantly anti-Hussein and subsequently murdered by Bathist fanatics. After shining shoes for coins on the mean streets of Baghdad, The Kid got himself mixed up with a street gang during his teen years. As part of the gang, The Kid had to burglarize a random house. The house he attempted to break into belonged to Mr Abdullah, who caught him in the act and forced The Kid to do chores for him instead of turning him into the police. Eventually a bond was formed between the two, and The Kid became Abdullah's finest student.

All eyes are now on the Karate Tournament, which promises to be a spectacular event. Rumors have it that the final match will likely involve The Kid going one-on-one against an overly 'roided Joe Piscopo while featuring music by Tangerine Dream. Only time will tell if The Kid can succeed, sell out, and then quickly fall into obscurity.

Robotic Garbageman Steals Jobs from Social Outcasts

Italy has unveiled the worlds' first trash collection robot, called Dustbot. The robot can be summoned to an address through a mobile any time of day. It finds its way through streets using GPS and a sophisticated gyroscope to keep it upright on just two wheels. Dustbot has many other sensors so that it does not collide with anything. Dustbot's inventor hopes to put an end to fixed times for garbage collection. The prototype currently operates in Tuscany.

Robots hauling off our garbage, it makes sense when you think about it. People don’t want to deal with disposing of all the goddamn garbage they make, so why not have robots do it? It’s only our garbage, right? Well you could be dead wrong. Do we really know where the fucking they’re taking our refuse? There’s no guarantee that it’s not all being hauled off and used to build the terrifying robotic war machines that will soon be striding through our streets, picking us off with their fucking heat rays and robotic tentacle arms.

First of all, do we really need to create a world where robots are now competition for menial labor? We’ve already got a bunch fucking brain dead hillbillies complaining about immigrants taking their jobs, if you add robots into the equation you’re just asking for cataclysmic battle between man and machine. And seriously, if we let robots take jobs from the goddamn local mutants we call trash-men, who eye middle school girls on the way home from school, then what are they going to spend all their free time doing? With all fucking seriousness, I don’t want to know. So I say we put a fucking moratorium on the idea of a robotic trashman, butler, ditch digger, cesspool cleaner, mailman, or Pizza Hut employee, because at least we know what those fucking freaks are doing for most of the day.

The other problem, we’re allowing robots to freely roam our streets. It seems convenient that you can call a service to have them dispatch a robot trashcan to you. In fact, that’s great. We’ll all get used to having these washing-machine looking fucks rolling around. That way nobody will question their appearance when they start showing up at our homes on their own and cramming our shattered bodies into their trash compartment for disposal. Of course, the damn thing looks so fucking goofy that nobody would ever expect that they’re methodically taking us out one family at a time.

In my opinion, trash disposal isn’t worth risking a potential robot holocaust (as illustrated in the 1986 documentary Robot Holocaust, now available on Comcast OnDemand). We should let the dregs of our society handle our garbage, like god intended them to, that way we keep the fucking crazies busy sifting through our shit and as far away from us as fucking possible. In the end, if it comes down to robots or humans, you just have to side with the humans, no matter how ugly, disgusting, perverted, mentally deficient or noxious they might happen to be. It’s like Eisenhower always said: “better dead than a damn dirty fucking robot.”